Tag Archives: Single Life

IM CRASHING!!!!!!!

It is now 2.12am Sunday 26th after a wonderful meeting the Pakistani community and making new friends I have found myself being teary, actually not teary crying. Why does this happen to me. I hate that I can not enjoy the feeling of doing something good, helping people. I always crash and I hate it. The worst part is I have no one here to talk to, work through it, hold me and say………don’t worry it will be ok!!!

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Sometimes my life really does suck big time. I know people see the happy me, the okay me, the tired me, the I am competent me, the confident me, the make up me, the mother me, the Christian me, the kind me. I find it so hard to show the vulnerable me. Lets face it why would I want to show the world the sad me just so someone can kick me when I am down. Life has shown me that when it comes to me I know not to be a broken shell only to be trampled me.

This is the time when I know I am truly on my own. Yes I have God and he listens but he doesn’t always help, and I know I am to blame. No one else is to blame as it is my insecurities that make me crash and know just how un-loveable I feel when its 2 in the morning and again I am on my own. I do not know what I would do if I didn’t have my blog.

I wonder if there will ever be a time that my life will be a continuous happy place. But I am dreaming as BPD/BP doesn’t just go away. Tablets can help but they are not the problem its me. I am making it so that no one can see me. The DARK me, the me that is vulnerable and actually wants to say please give me a hug, please SEE me. I am not as strong as people think I am. But people see what I want them to see.

It’s a vicious circle I’m okay——I’m happy——I’m sad——I’m okay—–I’m happy—–I’m sad and it goes round and round and round.

I wonder if people can’t see me then do I see them. Do I know when my friends need a shoulder to lean on or a hug or  just not to be alone. I would hope I do but what if I don’t. What type of friend would I be if I didn’t see if a friend was in need.

I can’t think anymore my brain and eyes hurt let alone the pain in my heart. Why do good people die when the people who hurt people live just to cause more hurt and damage people. It’s not fair!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

15 Years Single

Every year for my silly new Years resolution I say to myself by next Christmas I will be dating and maybe even married. I have been saying that for the last three years and still not even a date. Now I know for me to meet someone I need to go out and be adventurous and also brave through my anxieties and panic of crowds and noise and the awkwardness of being a larger woman. As much as I try to be happy within my own skin which has doubled since having my son I find that being a size 8 to now being a size 20 has left me scarred internally. I am trying to lose weight but I give in to the demons of snacking especially like now and its silly o’clock. It is 1.35am and I am wide awake. I have just finished sorting out the shelving in the hallway for donations of toiletries. Mopped the kitchen floor YAYAYAYAY and still wide awake. It does not help that I only took my night meds at 11.30pm but I was hoping that doing housework would have made me tired unfortunately it is having the opposite effect.

Anyway back to being single. I have taken a very low dip in confidence and my ability to believe that I am worthy of love and affection has been a struggle. I do not want this to sound big-headed but if anyone is worth being loved it is me. I know my family love me, my son loves me, and friends like me and most of all, God all mighty loves me. I just wish sometimes I loved me. I know I have had all the therapy in the world, I have cried for my inner child and held my inner child while she sobs her little heart out. At one time I really did love the person I was but now its different I am different. I have all the confidence in the world when I help people or need to do a course or interview people but when it comes to men I have zero confidence.

Men and me do not get on but I know there is someone out there for me, well I do sometimes. In the past if a man came up to me when I was out with the girls my instant  words  were and I quote ” Fuck off I am not interested” or if any men came over to chat to my friend up my words were “Fuck off it’s a girls night out” because of this my friends use to call me bulldog lol. Now I never ever knew that my friends actually wanted to be chatted up but for me a girls night is exactly that a girls night. I found out only a few years back that some of my friends did not want to go out with me because I would scare the men away. So with that I decided to change, only problem is with that became the insecurities of conviction. I am now a loner and spend my time not wanting to go out, cancelling my friends invitations and so forth.

Now do not get me wrong I have been to bingo, Art Therapy, The Engine Room. Oasis run by Norcot Mission Church and handing out donations. Now I can talk to anyone when it comes to Piaroo’s Wish Helping the Homeless and Vulnerable in Reading because it is not for me it’s for other people.

I can talk politely to men when it comes to donations etc but when it comes to actually trusting a man who is totally a different matter. I have looked back  on my life and have been thinking about the men’s jobs I use to have and how when I became an adult I surrounding myself with men. I have given that a lot of thought lately and I have come to the conclusion that I needed them to be around me so that I could see any danger coming from them. So that I felt like a man than a woman who way I would not get hurt. If They thought of me as one of the lads then they would not see that I wasn’t. I may not be making sense but I know what I mean.

I do not have those thoughts much now of which I am glad. I have become softer than the abrasive, angry, battered, cold, pig-headed, evil person I use to be. It has been very hard to even let myself think that there could be someone out there who could handle me and actually want to be a part of my life.

I have started seeing men more of a friend status than someone who could be a threat to me and my safety. I have taken down a few platinum bricks and I know  I wont be able to get even a date before Christmas as the thought is still scary for me. It terrifies me to the point that I feel a panic attack coming along. Protecting my heart and self has bought its challenges but I know I will overcome them and be like most people and have a man who loves the bones of me.