Tag Archives: Single Life

Depths of Bi-Polar Downer

Life has been very hectic lately and it got to a place where I just wanted to give up and pack Piaroo’s Wish Helping the Homeless and Vulnerable in Reading and throw in the towel.

 

I am so lucky to have people by my side who do not judge me and also see that I’m not mental or delusional. Natalie, Niama, Kaff and Kelly have been my rock recently and without them by my side I really would have packed it all in.

Over a month ago I started to slip into my darkness where everything was too much for me and the lack of sleep and paranoia was draining my body of the few bits of colour I had.  I had to concentrate on myself and Ethan but I couldn’t Piaroo’s Wish has taken over my life and its all I think about I stopped going to church coffee morning and stopped going to art club on Tuesday and barely made in on the Monday.

The house which is only a bungalow was bulging and I felt suffocated everywhere I looked there where donations and it was drowning my being into a slump of grey misery. Do not get me wrong I love having and doing Piaroo’s Wish but after 22 months I had a different vision in mind. Life doesn’t go the way you want it to. I wanted to have some huge storage right by me and have the shed up and running full of food parcels and toiletries. I wanted the Queen’s Arms Non Alcoholic Pub up and running and us to be firmly situated all day and be giving the guys some classes and so much more.

I felt a failure and I also felt that I had let my mum down by not achieving my goals. Every morning I woke up a little deeper into my downer and I couldn’t see a way out. Natalie and Kelly were amazing and Nemo held the fort too.

Every Tuesday I use to get so excited not knowing what donations I would receive to help our family but the last month I woke with dread I hated the feeling and I didn’t cry like I would normally but I held it in and now that I can see the glorious opening into my levelness I want to cry.  it is not rational but my mind is not rational either. The life I have led and the things I have done have bought me to this point but having Schuermans Disease, Fibromyalgia, Diabetes type 2, COPD stage 1, Arthritis,  Borderline Personality Disorder, Bi-Polar and kidneys not so great. I have struggled so much in my life and I thought that it was done and dusted but certain times of the year my debilitating depression can cripple me more than my actual illnesses.

I sometimes wonder why I have had the life that I have got and then I think of Ethan and if I hadn’t had the life I had he would not be here. God trusted me with his life to raise a wonderful son. One thing I can say for certain is Ethan is amazing how he has coped with me, I do not know.  I asked him once how his life was and how he dealt with me and he said ” Life is normal to him”.

I know I go off topic which is because my brain is always working and it never wants to just be. I have to analyse everything. My paranoia is the worst that in itself is stiffening and can be so intricate and webbed. I wish I could explain but it is just what is is. MY LIFE.

Last Thursday Kelly and Kaff and I had to go and view somewhere and when stopped and had a drink and I ordered a treble vodka and coke and as I sipped (gulped) it down it felt so smooth, one of my old friends that kept the light going.

I took every drug available during my youth and alcohol was my dear friend. I had no problems giving them all up from weed to heroin (which I only took when I visited slough) so I was not hooked but I understand when people take that first bite of heroin the come down is sickening and excruciating. I could of easily become a slave to the drug but my escape was going home to Reading.

Anway back to Thurday I Kaff took me home and I felt a buzz so idecided to give my zombie make up a go and I felt the rush of creativeness and I cam getting back to my scattyness which means watch out everyone because I am becoming manic which is a great sign.

This last bout od downer has been a long one so taking last weekend off had beena blessing and knowing that I have amazing people to keep me standing when all I want to do is hide makes me feel not alone.

Not just them but everyone who helps in Pairoo’s Wish Helping the Homeless and Vulnerable in Reading makes me feel not alone too. Knowing that people in Reading have the passion to continue when I don’t stirs my soul and feeds my belly especially when I don’t want to eat. I could name everyone but I don’t think I could remember over 2250 people names.

Even when I don’t love myself, the guys still love me which encourages me to continue the work that I started in December 2015. Twenty two months later we are still going and growing. I have so much I want to do and I am learning to delegate which for me is not an easy task. I have brought myself up in my mind and I have led a very lonely life but I know no matter what my mood is, someone has got my back. that feeling is so new to me.

Being the only person I could rely on all my life has made me not bitter but sad, The years I spent not letting anyone help me and thinking I can do it has finally gone. Which for me was a flashpoint. Even at 49 I am still learning to open myself up but still guarding my heart so no one breaks it. I have been so lonely thinking everything is fine when really I was deluding myself. You cant live a life without friends and family and the love that surrounds them. Learning how to love others is a new thing but the love I feel for everyone in Piaroo’s and the guys brighten the path for me to walk.

Even thought the nights are getting longer, colder and grey, my son and Pairoo’s Wish Helping the Homeless and Vulnerable in Reading and my family show me I am not alone.

 

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IM CRASHING!!!!!!!

It is now 2.12am Sunday 26th after a wonderful meeting the Pakistani community and making new friends I have found myself being teary, actually not teary crying. Why does this happen to me. I hate that I can not enjoy the feeling of doing something good, helping people. I always crash and I hate it. The worst part is I have no one here to talk to, work through it, hold me and say………don’t worry it will be ok!!!

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Sometimes my life really does suck big time. I know people see the happy me, the okay me, the tired me, the I am competent me, the confident me, the make up me, the mother me, the Christian me, the kind me. I find it so hard to show the vulnerable me. Lets face it why would I want to show the world the sad me just so someone can kick me when I am down. Life has shown me that when it comes to me I know not to be a broken shell only to be trampled me.

This is the time when I know I am truly on my own. Yes I have God and he listens but he doesn’t always help, and I know I am to blame. No one else is to blame as it is my insecurities that make me crash and know just how un-loveable I feel when its 2 in the morning and again I am on my own. I do not know what I would do if I didn’t have my blog.

I wonder if there will ever be a time that my life will be a continuous happy place. But I am dreaming as BPD/BP doesn’t just go away. Tablets can help but they are not the problem its me. I am making it so that no one can see me. The DARK me, the me that is vulnerable and actually wants to say please give me a hug, please SEE me. I am not as strong as people think I am. But people see what I want them to see.

It’s a vicious circle I’m okay——I’m happy——I’m sad——I’m okay—–I’m happy—–I’m sad and it goes round and round and round.

I wonder if people can’t see me then do I see them. Do I know when my friends need a shoulder to lean on or a hug or  just not to be alone. I would hope I do but what if I don’t. What type of friend would I be if I didn’t see if a friend was in need.

I can’t think anymore my brain and eyes hurt let alone the pain in my heart. Why do good people die when the people who hurt people live just to cause more hurt and damage people. It’s not fair!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

15 Years Single

Every year for my silly new Years resolution I say to myself by next Christmas I will be dating and maybe even married. I have been saying that for the last three years and still not even a date. Now I know for me to meet someone I need to go out and be adventurous and also brave through my anxieties and panic of crowds and noise and the awkwardness of being a larger woman. As much as I try to be happy within my own skin which has doubled since having my son I find that being a size 8 to now being a size 20 has left me scarred internally. I am trying to lose weight but I give in to the demons of snacking especially like now and its silly o’clock. It is 1.35am and I am wide awake. I have just finished sorting out the shelving in the hallway for donations of toiletries. Mopped the kitchen floor YAYAYAYAY and still wide awake. It does not help that I only took my night meds at 11.30pm but I was hoping that doing housework would have made me tired unfortunately it is having the opposite effect.

Anyway back to being single. I have taken a very low dip in confidence and my ability to believe that I am worthy of love and affection has been a struggle. I do not want this to sound big-headed but if anyone is worth being loved it is me. I know my family love me, my son loves me, and friends like me and most of all, God all mighty loves me. I just wish sometimes I loved me. I know I have had all the therapy in the world, I have cried for my inner child and held my inner child while she sobs her little heart out. At one time I really did love the person I was but now its different I am different. I have all the confidence in the world when I help people or need to do a course or interview people but when it comes to men I have zero confidence.

Men and me do not get on but I know there is someone out there for me, well I do sometimes. In the past if a man came up to me when I was out with the girls my instant  words  were and I quote ” Fuck off I am not interested” or if any men came over to chat to my friend up my words were “Fuck off it’s a girls night out” because of this my friends use to call me bulldog lol. Now I never ever knew that my friends actually wanted to be chatted up but for me a girls night is exactly that a girls night. I found out only a few years back that some of my friends did not want to go out with me because I would scare the men away. So with that I decided to change, only problem is with that became the insecurities of conviction. I am now a loner and spend my time not wanting to go out, cancelling my friends invitations and so forth.

Now do not get me wrong I have been to bingo, Art Therapy, The Engine Room. Oasis run by Norcot Mission Church and handing out donations. Now I can talk to anyone when it comes to Piaroo’s Wish Helping the Homeless and Vulnerable in Reading because it is not for me it’s for other people.

I can talk politely to men when it comes to donations etc but when it comes to actually trusting a man who is totally a different matter. I have looked back  on my life and have been thinking about the men’s jobs I use to have and how when I became an adult I surrounding myself with men. I have given that a lot of thought lately and I have come to the conclusion that I needed them to be around me so that I could see any danger coming from them. So that I felt like a man than a woman who way I would not get hurt. If They thought of me as one of the lads then they would not see that I wasn’t. I may not be making sense but I know what I mean.

I do not have those thoughts much now of which I am glad. I have become softer than the abrasive, angry, battered, cold, pig-headed, evil person I use to be. It has been very hard to even let myself think that there could be someone out there who could handle me and actually want to be a part of my life.

I have started seeing men more of a friend status than someone who could be a threat to me and my safety. I have taken down a few platinum bricks and I know  I wont be able to get even a date before Christmas as the thought is still scary for me. It terrifies me to the point that I feel a panic attack coming along. Protecting my heart and self has bought its challenges but I know I will overcome them and be like most people and have a man who loves the bones of me.