Tag Archives: Change

Letting the LIGHT SHINE

Everyone knows I have mental health issues/problems, however people want to describe depression, borderline personality disorder or Bipolar. It is very depilating and can cripple me at times. You would think I would have a handle on it but these conditions are unpredictable.

What  I do know is I have tools in place which I use daily which I learnt from having intense psychotherapy twice. Apparently I am over therapized. There is nothing they can teach me as I know it all, My consciousness and my unconsciousness which means for every action my head works, needs, unravels, dissects, analysis, break down, pros and cons and glue back together. My head is constantly on the go hence not been sleeping for more than a few hours at a time.

Yesterday I went to my support group and the guest speakers were talking about suicide and the after effects and the heartache of those left behind. My unconsciousness must have known as I missed the first half. Now if I was in a good place I would have found it an eye opener but because I have been in a dark place I found it profoundly heart wrenching. I left the group and went to burger king to get myself in a place to go home and see my wonderful son.

I got home and I spent the evening trying not to cry. What’s the point and then yet again my head is doing its own thing.

Today I woke up after having a few hours undisturbed sleep which was a good feeling. Laura who is a good friend wanted to come over for a cuppa to talk about policies. But she ended up taking me to the doctors for my acupuncture which was painful but needed. Then we went to get her dog who is adorable his name is axle and he lifted my spirits so I could look up and see the light.  I wish I was able to take pictures but he is only a puppy of 3 and he only sat still when he was hugging me and comforting me.

Laura treated me to Lunch something I didn’t deserve but she knew I needed a treat. We chatted and laughed and had food. I wont mention much about the food at the Mansion House apart from saying it was delicious. I took my meds and that was it I needed to sleep and i was slurring my words I was so relaxed and at peace I was trusting that my body had shifted.

Anyone she got me home and I went straight to bed. I had a meeting at 5.30 and I woke up with enough time to get dressed and get the bus.

This meeting was glorious in every way and uplifting and God was shining his light on me and letting me know that no matter what I have been through and that I was and am his daughter until he calls me home. I see the hope and possibilities and the future is bright and I know I will be having a manic few days coming along as I feel the splurge of ideas flooding my brain.

The darkness that has plagued me for the last month started when we had to close Piaroo’s Wish Helping the Homeless and Vulnerable in Reading. That was the first nail. then as the days went on and then weeks the more nails penetrated my skin my soul my heart and the pain has been hard to cope with. Knowing I couldn’t do what brought me so much joy and peace knowing I was worth something and that I was needed that my love and my care was being given freely and knowingly to the people who I call my family.

I have many families and the homeless and the vulnerable are another I would love in the future to have all my families in one place. That would be awesome. Anyway my blood family are great now that I am learning to keep my mouth shut and not argue which is me doing the arguing. My friends family are more than friends they are the people like Sonia, Therese, Kelly, Laura, Emma, Mandy, Maz, Kaff, Nemo and many more and yes they are all women.  My Christian family who save my soul and brought me to God and he forgave me my sins and boy did God have a lot of sin s to go through and He STILL LOVES ME. My Piaroo’s Wish family who bring the peace and love to me that is heart breaking to know I am unable to do what I Love which is help them feed them listen to them and be there.

I am not one for blogging when the changes occur but its time to let people know the signs for my mania like talking fast, falling and tripping, banging into walls and car doors, having ideas of grandeur, taking on too much and not listen to my body, cluttering my house and not doing a job and seeing it through because I have got side wipe and started doing another job.

Then maybe after a few days I will crash and deflate and the darkness will start to swirl and spread I may not get to that point of uselessness and being not needed which will then take me to my suicidal thoughts. One thing I can say for now is that I wont do anything as I know I couldn’t leave Ethan. I need him he grounds me and he loves me even when he is being a typical Kevin and Perry. Ethan has kept me from taking that step for years and he carries on without knowing how much his love and trust holds me together. Thankfully he doesn’t know how much I need him.

Anyway for now I am loving my life and the light is shining and God is teaching me to take this time to prepare and pave the way forward. Bright amazing things are going to happen. I know I need to pray more and listen to what God is teaching me.

 

15 Years Single

Every year for my silly new Years resolution I say to myself by next Christmas I will be dating and maybe even married. I have been saying that for the last three years and still not even a date. Now I know for me to meet someone I need to go out and be adventurous and also brave through my anxieties and panic of crowds and noise and the awkwardness of being a larger woman. As much as I try to be happy within my own skin which has doubled since having my son I find that being a size 8 to now being a size 20 has left me scarred internally. I am trying to lose weight but I give in to the demons of snacking especially like now and its silly o’clock. It is 1.35am and I am wide awake. I have just finished sorting out the shelving in the hallway for donations of toiletries. Mopped the kitchen floor YAYAYAYAY and still wide awake. It does not help that I only took my night meds at 11.30pm but I was hoping that doing housework would have made me tired unfortunately it is having the opposite effect.

Anyway back to being single. I have taken a very low dip in confidence and my ability to believe that I am worthy of love and affection has been a struggle. I do not want this to sound big-headed but if anyone is worth being loved it is me. I know my family love me, my son loves me, and friends like me and most of all, God all mighty loves me. I just wish sometimes I loved me. I know I have had all the therapy in the world, I have cried for my inner child and held my inner child while she sobs her little heart out. At one time I really did love the person I was but now its different I am different. I have all the confidence in the world when I help people or need to do a course or interview people but when it comes to men I have zero confidence.

Men and me do not get on but I know there is someone out there for me, well I do sometimes. In the past if a man came up to me when I was out with the girls my instant  words  were and I quote ” Fuck off I am not interested” or if any men came over to chat to my friend up my words were “Fuck off it’s a girls night out” because of this my friends use to call me bulldog lol. Now I never ever knew that my friends actually wanted to be chatted up but for me a girls night is exactly that a girls night. I found out only a few years back that some of my friends did not want to go out with me because I would scare the men away. So with that I decided to change, only problem is with that became the insecurities of conviction. I am now a loner and spend my time not wanting to go out, cancelling my friends invitations and so forth.

Now do not get me wrong I have been to bingo, Art Therapy, The Engine Room. Oasis run by Norcot Mission Church and handing out donations. Now I can talk to anyone when it comes to Piaroo’s Wish Helping the Homeless and Vulnerable in Reading because it is not for me it’s for other people.

I can talk politely to men when it comes to donations etc but when it comes to actually trusting a man who is totally a different matter. I have looked back  on my life and have been thinking about the men’s jobs I use to have and how when I became an adult I surrounding myself with men. I have given that a lot of thought lately and I have come to the conclusion that I needed them to be around me so that I could see any danger coming from them. So that I felt like a man than a woman who way I would not get hurt. If They thought of me as one of the lads then they would not see that I wasn’t. I may not be making sense but I know what I mean.

I do not have those thoughts much now of which I am glad. I have become softer than the abrasive, angry, battered, cold, pig-headed, evil person I use to be. It has been very hard to even let myself think that there could be someone out there who could handle me and actually want to be a part of my life.

I have started seeing men more of a friend status than someone who could be a threat to me and my safety. I have taken down a few platinum bricks and I know  I wont be able to get even a date before Christmas as the thought is still scary for me. It terrifies me to the point that I feel a panic attack coming along. Protecting my heart and self has bought its challenges but I know I will overcome them and be like most people and have a man who loves the bones of me.