I do not know how to describe what is going on inside my head. I know I am mentally unstable and I use every bit of energy to keep myself sane. I see people going about their days and enjoying life and smiling and being loved. All I can think is I want some of that. Normality is a luxury I do not have.
Life had been so hard and I know that the way I behaved as a young child to when I left home I was the devils child. I was not a child that people could easily love and at the time that’s what I needed to do to keep myself safe and be able to bear my childhood. It took my sanity and my health but one thing I never thought I would have is pure love. The love I feel for my son is immense.
My son had to grow up having to live with a mother with Bi Polar and Borderline Personality Disorder as well as my physical disabilities. For him he knows no different. Life has been easy for him not having to go through my kind of childhood. He has seen me high and seen me low and he just deals with it like breathing. It’s not fair on him to have to go through life with such pressure on his shoulders, not that he knows it. I feel so guilty and I wonder if he is the way he is because of me. Have I made my son worry about me, whether I am going to fall or burn myself or break some thing, trip over my own feet. Does he stay in because of me or does he stay in just for his Xbox. I think it is a bit of both.
Thinking of my non-existence of a relationship that I had with my mum and how much I miss her and look at her picture, I wonder how she coped with me. Did I drive her to an early grave. Was I too much for her, did she really wish she had aborted me and wish I had died at birth or was all that said in anger and she did not mean it. So many unanswered questions which will never be answered.
I know I am self sabotaging everything I do except Piaroo’s Wish Helping the Homeless and Vulnerable in Reading. I have two good things in my life My son and Piaroo’s Wish. I Know I desperately want approval from someone who is dead. I can’t even give myself praise and love and don’t feel proud of myself so why would expect her to give me that.
I wonder about my shoulder and what the pain is trying to say to me. Which emotion am I not dealing with and there are so many to cope with. Am I sad, distraught, grieving, lonely, isolated, fear. That’s just to m=name a few. How can I ask so much of someone when I ask nothing for myself.
My head is so mashed up and I know I am in crisis when I am at home and the hours are ticking along and I am wired, I long for the few hours of sleep I get ad await for the day and I am ok I guess but then not okay.
Do I deserve to have my entire life to be hard and stony or is there a person who can love me the way I should be loved but then again would I be too much for them and I know I have been single for 16 years now and I have platinum armour to protect the little girl in me that so desperately wants to be held and sway its okay everything will be fine,
I am so deluded at times. My head is thinking too fast for my fingers. I fell so alone and empty as if my body is an empty vessel and my insides are i a massive urn and all the nastiness of my life will be there on show for all to me.
I want to run and hide in the corner but no where is safe.