I’m pulling myself apart

I do not know how to describe what is going on inside my head. I know I am mentally unstable and I use every bit of energy to keep myself sane. I see people going about their days and enjoying life and smiling and being loved. All I can think is I want some of that. Normality is a luxury I do not have.

Life had been so hard and I know that the way I behaved as a young child to when I left home I was the devils child. I was not a child that people could easily love and at the time that’s what I needed to do to keep myself safe and be able to bear my childhood. It took my sanity and my health but one thing I never thought I would have is pure love. The love I feel for my son is immense.

My son had to grow up having to live with a mother with Bi Polar and Borderline Personality Disorder as well as my physical disabilities. For him he knows no different. Life has been easy for him not having to go through my kind of childhood. He has seen me high and seen me low and he just deals with it like breathing. It’s not fair on him to have to go through life with such pressure on his shoulders, not that he knows it. I feel so guilty and I wonder if he is the way he is because of me. Have I made my son worry about me, whether I am going to fall or burn myself or break some thing, trip over my own feet. Does he stay in because of me or does he stay in just for his Xbox. I think it is a bit of both.

Thinking of my non-existence of a  relationship that I had with my mum and how much I miss her and look at her picture, I wonder how she coped with me. Did I drive her to an early grave. Was I too much for her, did she really wish she had aborted me and wish I had died at birth or was all that said in anger and she did not mean it. So many unanswered questions which will never be answered.

I know I am self sabotaging everything I do except Piaroo’s Wish Helping the Homeless and Vulnerable in Reading. I have two good things in my life My son and Piaroo’s Wish. I Know I desperately want approval from someone who is dead. I can’t even give myself praise and love and don’t feel proud of myself so why would expect her to give me that.

I wonder about my shoulder and what the pain is trying to say to me. Which emotion am I not dealing with and there are so many to cope with. Am I sad, distraught, grieving, lonely, isolated, fear. That’s just to m=name a few. How can I ask so much of someone when I ask nothing for myself.

My head is so mashed up and I know I am in crisis when I am at home and the hours are ticking along and I am wired,  I long for the few hours of sleep I get ad await for the day and I am ok I guess but then not okay.

Do I deserve to have my entire life to be hard and stony or is there a person who can love me the way I should be loved but then again would I be too much for them and I know I have been single for 16 years now and I have platinum armour to protect the little girl in me that so desperately wants to be held and sway its okay everything will be fine,

I am so deluded at times. My head is thinking too fast for my fingers. I fell so alone and empty as if my body is an empty vessel and my insides are i a massive urn and all the nastiness of my life will be there on show for all to me.

I want to run and hide in the corner but no where is safe.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

IM CRASHING!!!!!!!

It is now 2.12am Sunday 26th after a wonderful meeting the Pakistani community and making new friends I have found myself being teary, actually not teary crying. Why does this happen to me. I hate that I can not enjoy the feeling of doing something good, helping people. I always crash and I hate it. The worst part is I have no one here to talk to, work through it, hold me and say………don’t worry it will be ok!!!

48246_10201034202711344_1692791701_o

Sometimes my life really does suck big time. I know people see the happy me, the okay me, the tired me, the I am competent me, the confident me, the make up me, the mother me, the Christian me, the kind me. I find it so hard to show the vulnerable me. Lets face it why would I want to show the world the sad me just so someone can kick me when I am down. Life has shown me that when it comes to me I know not to be a broken shell only to be trampled me.

This is the time when I know I am truly on my own. Yes I have God and he listens but he doesn’t always help, and I know I am to blame. No one else is to blame as it is my insecurities that make me crash and know just how un-loveable I feel when its 2 in the morning and again I am on my own. I do not know what I would do if I didn’t have my blog.

I wonder if there will ever be a time that my life will be a continuous happy place. But I am dreaming as BPD/BP doesn’t just go away. Tablets can help but they are not the problem its me. I am making it so that no one can see me. The DARK me, the me that is vulnerable and actually wants to say please give me a hug, please SEE me. I am not as strong as people think I am. But people see what I want them to see.

It’s a vicious circle I’m okay——I’m happy——I’m sad——I’m okay—–I’m happy—–I’m sad and it goes round and round and round.

I wonder if people can’t see me then do I see them. Do I know when my friends need a shoulder to lean on or a hug or  just not to be alone. I would hope I do but what if I don’t. What type of friend would I be if I didn’t see if a friend was in need.

I can’t think anymore my brain and eyes hurt let alone the pain in my heart. Why do good people die when the people who hurt people live just to cause more hurt and damage people. It’s not fair!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

AFTERMATH

Yesterday a dear friend who I have known for many years wrote something quite innocent on my wall regarding Piaroo’s Wish Helping the Homeless and Vulnerable in Reading. It was very helpful which I established after a few hours.

THIS IS WHAT SHE WROTE

Satty…. You need to start taking a register/tally from your drop off in town, especially…

Some folks are making valid points about certain people not being homeless, or no longer vulnerable…
Yeah, you get people who need help as a one off, or a couple of times until they get back on their feet, like I needed it once…
But there are folks who don’t need it, or who are taking more than they need instead of doing their own shopping… Sadly…
I’m ok now, I can forward help on now….
But you need to keep a tally, because some of those folks either, no longer need it and are taking advantage, or are receiving from a food-bank or a church regularly, or even their own families…
I will PM you….                     img_4458

Now for me this is what I read……………

Satty your not doing it right. You need to do this because people are talking behind your back saying that you are a easy target and people you are helping do not need what you are offering.                                                                                                                                                 People are saying that the people you are helping are taking the Michael out of you they are not homeless and they are already getting help from other places. They only need your help once and after that they do not need your help because they are fine and on their feet.  People are taking items from you instead of using the benefit money that they are receiving to buy their own shopping.

You helped me once and that was all I needed and that I am fine now and I didn’t take the Michael out of you. I only asked for what I needed once.

You need o do your job properly because you are doing it wrong. The people you help are not people that need your help. You are doing your job wrong. You need to do a tally because people are taking the Michael out of you. You need to do your job properly. Your wasting your time and everything you have done over the last fifteen months has been a joke and people are laughing behind your back because your useless and a waste of space.

PEOPLE ARE TALKING BEHIND YOUR BACK SAYING YOU ARE USELESS AND NOT NEEDED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHY ARE YOU WASTING EVERYONES TIME BY PRETENDING TO HELP PEOPLE THAT DO NOT NEED YOU IN THEIR LIVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now as you can see what she wrote was nothing to what I actually read. This is what happens to me when I feel like I am being criticised or told I’m not doing a good job. At first when I read it I went into complete paranoia and on the defence so I asked politely for people on the group page to please read what my friend had written.                                    Funnily enough they all came back and said that what she had written was supportive genuine kind and loving. That she was making valid points and that I should take what she had written to be exactly what is was. If only my mind and brain would listen to everyone’s lovely kind words of wisdom.

I did apologise to my friend on several occasions saying that I had read what she had written completely wrong and that I was in the wrong and that I know she means well and is helpful. Also that she was very clever.

Now even though I totally believed what I had written and agreed that I was wrong and that she was right my head was saying something completely different. My paranoia had taken over and I knew I was in for a rough couple of days. My mental health issues were not going to let this lie. Deep within my mind all my old issues of being told I was wrong, useless, waste of air and space, obsolete and insignificant took hold.                                        So what I did was go onto some facebook events and played deal or no deal and also bingo and I won because I am so competitive which makes me feel like I am someone and that I am clever. Once all that was over I read what had been written in response to my post on the group page and also on my profile. As I reread what had written I genuinely agreed with what people were saying however my inner demons were still saying the usual rubbish and immobilising my happiness.                                                                                              At night my bi polar took its toll. I had the worst nightmare about being a bad mother NOW FOR ME THAT WAS A TERRIBLE THING FOR MY MENTAL HEALTH TO TAKE AHOLD OF.                                                                                                                                                                     My nightmare had only began. I was being hunted and also being verbally abused as a mother. The Asian community or my so called relatives were saying the most nastiest comments and the men were equally or more so aggressive and where mentally abusing me. I woke up around 5am which I was not happy about because I had only gone to sleep at 2am. I woke up with an panic attack and trembling. Its now 8.22am and I’m trembling within and my head is shaky. My impulse is to pretend everything is fine and that I am okay and that there is nothing wrong with me, only thing is I know better.                                I now have to put on a mask and pretend all is okay that I have no inner turmoil, that I am totally fine, that I’m okay however its not true.

 

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

 

 

 

Ouch

Not a happy cat today. On our way to the Metro Bank to take a whole car load of donations we have collected from 23 Toiletry bags which had everything from antiseptic wipes to toilet paper to biscuits. We were going round the roundabout which was where the old Battle Inn Pub use to be and all of a sudden I started screaming because hot water was pouring from the 5 litre airpot. What had happened was the flask on top of the airpot slide the open button and pressed the top of the airpot and poured out the hot water. Bless Kaff  she didn’t know what I was screaming about. She stopped the car in the middle of the  roundabout and quickly took my trainer and sock off. The damage was not good but then again it could of been worse.

We parked outside argos as I wanted to take all the donations we coĺlected and hand them out with Grace Sharleen and Michael and say hello to my guys. That’s all I was trying to focus on but my foot had other ideas. I was deluding myself that I could manage the donations and then go to A&E. Therese, Grace and Kaff all said I should go and I asked Kaff if she could take me.

The pain was and is unreal. The nurse was lovely even when I was swearing (not too much). They bandaged me up and there were so amazing.  I have 2nd degree burns so i was very blessed as  I said it could of been worse. I am truly gutted for letting the team down and missing everyone today.

It will be up to two to four weeks when I will hopefully have this bandage off or even sooner God willing. I said to Kaff in the car that it’s most probably God telling me to rest otherwise I would stI’ll be going ten to the dozen.

Christmas will be trying especially as i can’t put all the decorations up or do everything I had planned from mopping the floor to cleaning the window sills. I hope the pain eases in the next few days.

 

CHRISTMAS DINNER FOR THOSE IN NEED

 

 

Today I went to The Way Ministry in Coley to help with their Christmas dinner for those who are homeless and in need. The event was amazing from start to finish. I saw many faces from Piaroo’s Wish Helping the Homeless and Vulnerable in Reading volunteers and people we help and some from Bridge Hall and some from The Way Ministry.

I felt truly blessed that Grace and Joe allowed me to be apart of their wonderful team. The dinner was lovely everyone left full and had a Christmas present and we also had a raffle. No one left without a gift. Its times like this that remind me how many vulnerable people we have in Reading.

Two years ago when I was in a bad place I wish I knew about the places I know about now. The likes of Bridge Hall, The Way Ministry, The Soup Run, CIRDIC and so many other organisations that help the needy. I struggled and life was very tight. We are through that now I am I so blest that I am in a position to help people and give a little back.

When we got home we took a massive food parcel and clothing to a lady in need who also helps two other families. This time of year where the majority of the world are getting ready for the one big day and overspending on food drinks and presents, decorating their trees and homes, It reminds me how delicate life can be one year your having the time of your life with family and friends and the following year you could be one of the people we help and your family and friends are nowhere to be seen.

The Giving Tree use to be a big part of my life every year I would take a card from the tree and purchase a suitable present for that card, two years ago the cards had gifts already wanted by the children but I could not afford to buy that gift. Now I give back the only way I know how. Piaroo’s Wish Helping the Homeless and Vulnerable in Reading is a big part of my life now. Every week I love what I do but then sometimes we run out of food or toiletries and that one thing that I can’t give back brings me on a downer. This Wednesday is our last normal donation donating day as the following week we will be handing out special Christmas Parcels which I can not wait for, it can’t come soon enough.

 

I’m a prize PLUM

I have been really organised this weekend.
Cleaned my kitchen.
Got the hallway shelving sorted
Got washing done
Made a delicious Ginger and Lemon Chicken roast dinner.
Got everything ready for Wednesday
Giant bag of mens shoes sorted
Bags of hats gloves hats and socks sorted
Hot drinks bag sorted
Mens coats sorted
Sleeping bags sorted
Dog food sorted
3 bags of clothes for Michael to collect to take to a charity shop or the Salvation Army.
Made myself a cuppa and thought time to watch Total Divas but I could not find the remote control.                                                                                                                                                             GGGRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
I had to go through every bag and I hunted high and low. Rummaged in the kitchen, in the fridge then the freezer. I asked Ethan to help me and he couldn’t find it either. Then I had the worst thought ever, what if it is in the washing machine. Anyway after over an hour and a half looking for it I was about to cry as I took the big shopping out and move it out the way when……………… guess what…………………YES………….You guessed it. There it was lying on top of the crisps.
PHEW
That will teach me to organise the house.
LIKE I SAID I AM A PRIZE PLUM

15 Years Single

Every year for my silly new Years resolution I say to myself by next Christmas I will be dating and maybe even married. I have been saying that for the last three years and still not even a date. Now I know for me to meet someone I need to go out and be adventurous and also brave through my anxieties and panic of crowds and noise and the awkwardness of being a larger woman. As much as I try to be happy within my own skin which has doubled since having my son I find that being a size 8 to now being a size 20 has left me scarred internally. I am trying to lose weight but I give in to the demons of snacking especially like now and its silly o’clock. It is 1.35am and I am wide awake. I have just finished sorting out the shelving in the hallway for donations of toiletries. Mopped the kitchen floor YAYAYAYAY and still wide awake. It does not help that I only took my night meds at 11.30pm but I was hoping that doing housework would have made me tired unfortunately it is having the opposite effect.

Anyway back to being single. I have taken a very low dip in confidence and my ability to believe that I am worthy of love and affection has been a struggle. I do not want this to sound big-headed but if anyone is worth being loved it is me. I know my family love me, my son loves me, and friends like me and most of all, God all mighty loves me. I just wish sometimes I loved me. I know I have had all the therapy in the world, I have cried for my inner child and held my inner child while she sobs her little heart out. At one time I really did love the person I was but now its different I am different. I have all the confidence in the world when I help people or need to do a course or interview people but when it comes to men I have zero confidence.

Men and me do not get on but I know there is someone out there for me, well I do sometimes. In the past if a man came up to me when I was out with the girls my instant  words  were and I quote ” Fuck off I am not interested” or if any men came over to chat to my friend up my words were “Fuck off it’s a girls night out” because of this my friends use to call me bulldog lol. Now I never ever knew that my friends actually wanted to be chatted up but for me a girls night is exactly that a girls night. I found out only a few years back that some of my friends did not want to go out with me because I would scare the men away. So with that I decided to change, only problem is with that became the insecurities of conviction. I am now a loner and spend my time not wanting to go out, cancelling my friends invitations and so forth.

Now do not get me wrong I have been to bingo, Art Therapy, The Engine Room. Oasis run by Norcot Mission Church and handing out donations. Now I can talk to anyone when it comes to Piaroo’s Wish Helping the Homeless and Vulnerable in Reading because it is not for me it’s for other people.

I can talk politely to men when it comes to donations etc but when it comes to actually trusting a man who is totally a different matter. I have looked back  on my life and have been thinking about the men’s jobs I use to have and how when I became an adult I surrounding myself with men. I have given that a lot of thought lately and I have come to the conclusion that I needed them to be around me so that I could see any danger coming from them. So that I felt like a man than a woman who way I would not get hurt. If They thought of me as one of the lads then they would not see that I wasn’t. I may not be making sense but I know what I mean.

I do not have those thoughts much now of which I am glad. I have become softer than the abrasive, angry, battered, cold, pig-headed, evil person I use to be. It has been very hard to even let myself think that there could be someone out there who could handle me and actually want to be a part of my life.

I have started seeing men more of a friend status than someone who could be a threat to me and my safety. I have taken down a few platinum bricks and I know  I wont be able to get even a date before Christmas as the thought is still scary for me. It terrifies me to the point that I feel a panic attack coming along. Protecting my heart and self has bought its challenges but I know I will overcome them and be like most people and have a man who loves the bones of me.