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Depths of Bi-Polar Downer

Life has been very hectic lately and it got to a place where I just wanted to give up and pack Piaroo’s Wish Helping the Homeless and Vulnerable in Reading and throw in the towel.

 

I am so lucky to have people by my side who do not judge me and also see that I’m not mental or delusional. Natalie, Niama, Kaff and Kelly have been my rock recently and without them by my side I really would have packed it all in.

Over a month ago I started to slip into my darkness where everything was too much for me and the lack of sleep and paranoia was draining my body of the few bits of colour I had.  I had to concentrate on myself and Ethan but I couldn’t Piaroo’s Wish has taken over my life and its all I think about I stopped going to church coffee morning and stopped going to art club on Tuesday and barely made in on the Monday.

The house which is only a bungalow was bulging and I felt suffocated everywhere I looked there where donations and it was drowning my being into a slump of grey misery. Do not get me wrong I love having and doing Piaroo’s Wish but after 22 months I had a different vision in mind. Life doesn’t go the way you want it to. I wanted to have some huge storage right by me and have the shed up and running full of food parcels and toiletries. I wanted the Queen’s Arms Non Alcoholic Pub up and running and us to be firmly situated all day and be giving the guys some classes and so much more.

I felt a failure and I also felt that I had let my mum down by not achieving my goals. Every morning I woke up a little deeper into my downer and I couldn’t see a way out. Natalie and Kelly were amazing and Nemo held the fort too.

Every Tuesday I use to get so excited not knowing what donations I would receive to help our family but the last month I woke with dread I hated the feeling and I didn’t cry like I would normally but I held it in and now that I can see the glorious opening into my levelness I want to cry.  it is not rational but my mind is not rational either. The life I have led and the things I have done have bought me to this point but having Schuermans Disease, Fibromyalgia, Diabetes type 2, COPD stage 1, Arthritis,  Borderline Personality Disorder, Bi-Polar and kidneys not so great. I have struggled so much in my life and I thought that it was done and dusted but certain times of the year my debilitating depression can cripple me more than my actual illnesses.

I sometimes wonder why I have had the life that I have got and then I think of Ethan and if I hadn’t had the life I had he would not be here. God trusted me with his life to raise a wonderful son. One thing I can say for certain is Ethan is amazing how he has coped with me, I do not know.  I asked him once how his life was and how he dealt with me and he said ” Life is normal to him”.

I know I go off topic which is because my brain is always working and it never wants to just be. I have to analyse everything. My paranoia is the worst that in itself is stiffening and can be so intricate and webbed. I wish I could explain but it is just what is is. MY LIFE.

Last Thursday Kelly and Kaff and I had to go and view somewhere and when stopped and had a drink and I ordered a treble vodka and coke and as I sipped (gulped) it down it felt so smooth, one of my old friends that kept the light going.

I took every drug available during my youth and alcohol was my dear friend. I had no problems giving them all up from weed to heroin (which I only took when I visited slough) so I was not hooked but I understand when people take that first bite of heroin the come down is sickening and excruciating. I could of easily become a slave to the drug but my escape was going home to Reading.

Anway back to Thurday I Kaff took me home and I felt a buzz so idecided to give my zombie make up a go and I felt the rush of creativeness and I cam getting back to my scattyness which means watch out everyone because I am becoming manic which is a great sign.

This last bout od downer has been a long one so taking last weekend off had beena blessing and knowing that I have amazing people to keep me standing when all I want to do is hide makes me feel not alone.

Not just them but everyone who helps in Pairoo’s Wish Helping the Homeless and Vulnerable in Reading makes me feel not alone too. Knowing that people in Reading have the passion to continue when I don’t stirs my soul and feeds my belly especially when I don’t want to eat. I could name everyone but I don’t think I could remember over 2250 people names.

Even when I don’t love myself, the guys still love me which encourages me to continue the work that I started in December 2015. Twenty two months later we are still going and growing. I have so much I want to do and I am learning to delegate which for me is not an easy task. I have brought myself up in my mind and I have led a very lonely life but I know no matter what my mood is, someone has got my back. that feeling is so new to me.

Being the only person I could rely on all my life has made me not bitter but sad, The years I spent not letting anyone help me and thinking I can do it has finally gone. Which for me was a flashpoint. Even at 49 I am still learning to open myself up but still guarding my heart so no one breaks it. I have been so lonely thinking everything is fine when really I was deluding myself. You cant live a life without friends and family and the love that surrounds them. Learning how to love others is a new thing but the love I feel for everyone in Piaroo’s and the guys brighten the path for me to walk.

Even thought the nights are getting longer, colder and grey, my son and Pairoo’s Wish Helping the Homeless and Vulnerable in Reading and my family show me I am not alone.

 

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Homeless Our Appeal

It amazes me how someone who has nothing actually has everything and how people who have everything actually have nothing. Am I the only person who can see that?

I don’t have much but the love that surrounds me is more than the wealthiest person on Gods green earth.

I am lucky to have a home and a family. Many on the streets have nothing but the clothes they are wearing. Every week we try to do our best to help with food, clothing, toiletries, befriending and signposting, however it is not enough. Every week we also hand out sleeping bags, tents and gorund mats but we never have enough.

It breaks my heart to know that even though we are doing our best that we still have to turn people away because we do not have enough food or toiletries or tents etc. We have a group called Piaroo’s Wish Helping the Homeless and Vulnerable in Reading.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/868812933237102/

 

 

DONT KNOW

I am not sure what to call this post. Its been a hard day and I know what it feels like to lose a brother. Today has been hard losing a friend and a member of the Piaroo’s Wish Helping the Homeless and Vulnerable in Reading. It was heart-breaking to see layna this evening I’m so glad Natalie was with me I do not think I could of seen her on her own. Some family is not the blood in your veins, its about how you interact with people, spend time with them and how you love them.

Helping the homeless is not just something you do its a passion, its a calling for me and it is something I feel I need to do this. Not just because I was homeless or because I am a Christian. It is hard to describe the amazing feeling and fulfilment and bursting with love. Today was kinda that type of day but with sadness in my heart. I know it is a huge struggle for me to not be affected by someone’s death. When I started Piaroo’s Wish, people would say I should not be personally involves but I was like I am already involved because I have been there on the streets.

We make memories and we share hugs, conversations, take pictures and befriend and just listen to our guys. We do food parcels, move people and help them when they find somewhere to live. We laugh, joke, share their moments of delight to sharing their moments of dread. helping them to see that they deserve a good life and happiness is very hard but try everyday to make a difference and sometimes it feels like a up hill struugle but I know its worth it because we see the difference when they are ready to help themselves. The gratitude for sometimes just stopping and saying Hi are you Okay? Do you need anything.  Sometimes that will make the difference between life and DEATH.

Losing a family member is never going to be easy for anyone, but we stick together amd look out and care for those in need. many of the guys all know each other and they do there best to look out for each other but sometimes people are left out.

I know I am rambling on but I don’t know what to write about especially how I am feeling about losing a friend and family member. I personally feel lost, confused, hurt, tearful, tired, exhausted, muggy, confused and just all over the space.

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Picnic for the Homeless

Wow what a day it was yesterday. I was a bit worried that no one would come but it was a success. All the food went. The guys on Piaroo’s Wish Helping the Homeless and Vulnerable in Reading https://www.facebook.com/groups/868812933237102/ did themselves proud. They donated deodorants, cakes, biscuits, water, sandwiches, fruit, Easter nests, men’s and ladies clothing, men’s shoes, socks, toothpaste, toothbrushes, sleeping bags and doggy bags.

I spent the last two nights sorting through the clothing and Michael came round Thursday evening to help with making up the toiletry bags. We made up 53 toiletry bags and 5 doggy bags. All 53 bags went with James, Becky and Sam taking any spare bags we had to those who were not there.

Each bag had an Easter Egg in which was provided by the Thames Valley Vultures and the Reading Rotary Club.   https://www.facebook.com/pg/Berkshire-Egg-Run-211479163216/about/?ref=page_internal

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The weather held out even though we felt the odd teardrop. It is going to take us time to get our numbers back out but we will get there.  It’s as if we have to start all over again whilst we wait for the council. I cant belive that they are taking so long. Why is it that they feel the need to take their time and with each passing week we are not out there helping the guys, the harder it is for the guys to retrust us.

The churches aremeven able to help because of several reasons. You wouldnt think it was so much hard work just to feed people.

This week has been a real buzz for me. I have missed going out and helping, constantly being on my mobile becyase of messages and notifications on Facebook, the worry of whether we would be able to make get all the donations. I do not know why I worry so much but I do and i am always proved wrong i didnt think people were going to come found but they need.

I’m pulling myself apart

I do not know how to describe what is going on inside my head. I know I am mentally unstable and I use every bit of energy to keep myself sane. I see people going about their days and enjoying life and smiling and being loved. All I can think is I want some of that. Normality is a luxury I do not have.

Life had been so hard and I know that the way I behaved as a young child to when I left home I was the devils child. I was not a child that people could easily love and at the time that’s what I needed to do to keep myself safe and be able to bear my childhood. It took my sanity and my health but one thing I never thought I would have is pure love. The love I feel for my son is immense.

My son had to grow up having to live with a mother with Bi Polar and Borderline Personality Disorder as well as my physical disabilities. For him he knows no different. Life has been easy for him not having to go through my kind of childhood. He has seen me high and seen me low and he just deals with it like breathing. It’s not fair on him to have to go through life with such pressure on his shoulders, not that he knows it. I feel so guilty and I wonder if he is the way he is because of me. Have I made my son worry about me, whether I am going to fall or burn myself or break some thing, trip over my own feet. Does he stay in because of me or does he stay in just for his Xbox. I think it is a bit of both.

Thinking of my non-existence of a  relationship that I had with my mum and how much I miss her and look at her picture, I wonder how she coped with me. Did I drive her to an early grave. Was I too much for her, did she really wish she had aborted me and wish I had died at birth or was all that said in anger and she did not mean it. So many unanswered questions which will never be answered.

I know I am self sabotaging everything I do except Piaroo’s Wish Helping the Homeless and Vulnerable in Reading. I have two good things in my life My son and Piaroo’s Wish. I Know I desperately want approval from someone who is dead. I can’t even give myself praise and love and don’t feel proud of myself so why would expect her to give me that.

I wonder about my shoulder and what the pain is trying to say to me. Which emotion am I not dealing with and there are so many to cope with. Am I sad, distraught, grieving, lonely, isolated, fear. That’s just to m=name a few. How can I ask so much of someone when I ask nothing for myself.

My head is so mashed up and I know I am in crisis when I am at home and the hours are ticking along and I am wired,  I long for the few hours of sleep I get ad await for the day and I am ok I guess but then not okay.

Do I deserve to have my entire life to be hard and stony or is there a person who can love me the way I should be loved but then again would I be too much for them and I know I have been single for 16 years now and I have platinum armour to protect the little girl in me that so desperately wants to be held and sway its okay everything will be fine,

I am so deluded at times. My head is thinking too fast for my fingers. I fell so alone and empty as if my body is an empty vessel and my insides are i a massive urn and all the nastiness of my life will be there on show for all to me.

I want to run and hide in the corner but no where is safe.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

AFTERMATH

Yesterday a dear friend who I have known for many years wrote something quite innocent on my wall regarding Piaroo’s Wish Helping the Homeless and Vulnerable in Reading. It was very helpful which I established after a few hours.

THIS IS WHAT SHE WROTE

Satty…. You need to start taking a register/tally from your drop off in town, especially…

Some folks are making valid points about certain people not being homeless, or no longer vulnerable…
Yeah, you get people who need help as a one off, or a couple of times until they get back on their feet, like I needed it once…
But there are folks who don’t need it, or who are taking more than they need instead of doing their own shopping… Sadly…
I’m ok now, I can forward help on now….
But you need to keep a tally, because some of those folks either, no longer need it and are taking advantage, or are receiving from a food-bank or a church regularly, or even their own families…
I will PM you….                     img_4458

Now for me this is what I read……………

Satty your not doing it right. You need to do this because people are talking behind your back saying that you are a easy target and people you are helping do not need what you are offering.                                                                                                                                                 People are saying that the people you are helping are taking the Michael out of you they are not homeless and they are already getting help from other places. They only need your help once and after that they do not need your help because they are fine and on their feet.  People are taking items from you instead of using the benefit money that they are receiving to buy their own shopping.

You helped me once and that was all I needed and that I am fine now and I didn’t take the Michael out of you. I only asked for what I needed once.

You need o do your job properly because you are doing it wrong. The people you help are not people that need your help. You are doing your job wrong. You need to do a tally because people are taking the Michael out of you. You need to do your job properly. Your wasting your time and everything you have done over the last fifteen months has been a joke and people are laughing behind your back because your useless and a waste of space.

PEOPLE ARE TALKING BEHIND YOUR BACK SAYING YOU ARE USELESS AND NOT NEEDED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHY ARE YOU WASTING EVERYONES TIME BY PRETENDING TO HELP PEOPLE THAT DO NOT NEED YOU IN THEIR LIVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now as you can see what she wrote was nothing to what I actually read. This is what happens to me when I feel like I am being criticised or told I’m not doing a good job. At first when I read it I went into complete paranoia and on the defence so I asked politely for people on the group page to please read what my friend had written.                                    Funnily enough they all came back and said that what she had written was supportive genuine kind and loving. That she was making valid points and that I should take what she had written to be exactly what is was. If only my mind and brain would listen to everyone’s lovely kind words of wisdom.

I did apologise to my friend on several occasions saying that I had read what she had written completely wrong and that I was in the wrong and that I know she means well and is helpful. Also that she was very clever.

Now even though I totally believed what I had written and agreed that I was wrong and that she was right my head was saying something completely different. My paranoia had taken over and I knew I was in for a rough couple of days. My mental health issues were not going to let this lie. Deep within my mind all my old issues of being told I was wrong, useless, waste of air and space, obsolete and insignificant took hold.                                        So what I did was go onto some facebook events and played deal or no deal and also bingo and I won because I am so competitive which makes me feel like I am someone and that I am clever. Once all that was over I read what had been written in response to my post on the group page and also on my profile. As I reread what had written I genuinely agreed with what people were saying however my inner demons were still saying the usual rubbish and immobilising my happiness.                                                                                              At night my bi polar took its toll. I had the worst nightmare about being a bad mother NOW FOR ME THAT WAS A TERRIBLE THING FOR MY MENTAL HEALTH TO TAKE AHOLD OF.                                                                                                                                                                     My nightmare had only began. I was being hunted and also being verbally abused as a mother. The Asian community or my so called relatives were saying the most nastiest comments and the men were equally or more so aggressive and where mentally abusing me. I woke up around 5am which I was not happy about because I had only gone to sleep at 2am. I woke up with an panic attack and trembling. Its now 8.22am and I’m trembling within and my head is shaky. My impulse is to pretend everything is fine and that I am okay and that there is nothing wrong with me, only thing is I know better.                                I now have to put on a mask and pretend all is okay that I have no inner turmoil, that I am totally fine, that I’m okay however its not true.

 

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