Every year for my silly new Years resolution I say to myself by next Christmas I will be dating and maybe even married. I have been saying that for the last three years and still not even a date. Now I know for me to meet someone I need to go out and be adventurous and also brave through my anxieties and panic of crowds and noise and the awkwardness of being a larger woman. As much as I try to be happy within my own skin which has doubled since having my son I find that being a size 8 to now being a size 20 has left me scarred internally. I am trying to lose weight but I give in to the demons of snacking especially like now and its silly o’clock. It is 1.35am and I am wide awake. I have just finished sorting out the shelving in the hallway for donations of toiletries. Mopped the kitchen floor YAYAYAYAY and still wide awake. It does not help that I only took my night meds at 11.30pm but I was hoping that doing housework would have made me tired unfortunately it is having the opposite effect.
Anyway back to being single. I have taken a very low dip in confidence and my ability to believe that I am worthy of love and affection has been a struggle. I do not want this to sound big-headed but if anyone is worth being loved it is me. I know my family love me, my son loves me, and friends like me and most of all, God all mighty loves me. I just wish sometimes I loved me. I know I have had all the therapy in the world, I have cried for my inner child and held my inner child while she sobs her little heart out. At one time I really did love the person I was but now its different I am different. I have all the confidence in the world when I help people or need to do a course or interview people but when it comes to men I have zero confidence.
Men and me do not get on but I know there is someone out there for me, well I do sometimes. In the past if a man came up to me when I was out with the girls my instant words were and I quote ” Fuck off I am not interested” or if any men came over to chat to my friend up my words were “Fuck off it’s a girls night out” because of this my friends use to call me bulldog lol. Now I never ever knew that my friends actually wanted to be chatted up but for me a girls night is exactly that a girls night. I found out only a few years back that some of my friends did not want to go out with me because I would scare the men away. So with that I decided to change, only problem is with that became the insecurities of conviction. I am now a loner and spend my time not wanting to go out, cancelling my friends invitations and so forth.
Now do not get me wrong I have been to bingo, Art Therapy, The Engine Room. Oasis run by Norcot Mission Church and handing out donations. Now I can talk to anyone when it comes to Piaroo’s Wish Helping the Homeless and Vulnerable in Reading because it is not for me it’s for other people.
I can talk politely to men when it comes to donations etc but when it comes to actually trusting a man who is totally a different matter. I have looked back on my life and have been thinking about the men’s jobs I use to have and how when I became an adult I surrounding myself with men. I have given that a lot of thought lately and I have come to the conclusion that I needed them to be around me so that I could see any danger coming from them. So that I felt like a man than a woman who way I would not get hurt. If They thought of me as one of the lads then they would not see that I wasn’t. I may not be making sense but I know what I mean.
I do not have those thoughts much now of which I am glad. I have become softer than the abrasive, angry, battered, cold, pig-headed, evil person I use to be. It has been very hard to even let myself think that there could be someone out there who could handle me and actually want to be a part of my life.
I have started seeing men more of a friend status than someone who could be a threat to me and my safety. I have taken down a few platinum bricks and I know I wont be able to get even a date before Christmas as the thought is still scary for me. It terrifies me to the point that I feel a panic attack coming along. Protecting my heart and self has bought its challenges but I know I will overcome them and be like most people and have a man who loves the bones of me.