Category Archives: A Mother’s Thoughts

Bipolar UK Support Group

Last Wednesday I went to my first BP UK GROUP. I was really nervous which is so not like me. At one point before the group started I was outside having a cigarette when I thought, right let’s go home, however my legs were stuck to the ground.

I made myself a cuppa and then went into the main hall, took a seat and also a seat for my tea. May as well make myself at home. The group started and we went through the code of conduct and then One of the gentleman talked about something but I couldn’t hear anything apart from my heart beating as loud as the biggest drum. Paranoia was trying to invade my thoughts and as much as I wanted to walk out a small part of me wanted to stay.

After an hour we had a tea break which was what I needed. I felt as ease after that break. I am not sure what shifted within me but I was glad not to have to spend my time fighting with my mind.

Then a bicycle pump which was made to be the talking stick went round and if you had something nice to say about the last month you could tell the group. I can not tell you how much I was dreading that stick as it got closer to me.

BANG MY TURN

All of a sudden I spilled the beans about my life, my turmoil, my loneliness and the fight within. Everyone was so lovely and many gave me feedback. That was it. Now I just wanted to run but I did not. I took the advice and I breathed.

Next they did a raffle and I won a pir of socks which I will be giving to Jason, my Big Issue seller. The group finished and I made myself another cuppa and sat down. I spoke to a lovely lady whose name I have forgotten then Natalie arrived and asked me how many metal fillings I had. Apparently Many countries have banned metal fillings because of the lead, which still omits toxins which scramble the thoughts with in. There is a dentist in Bournemouth which helped Natalie with Homeopathic  remedies and she since had no invading thoughts. I must get my fillings out.

Afterwards we heading down to the bar and I had a coke with two ice cubes and we chatted with other fellow members and I felt a release and I did not feel alone. I can not thank BPUK and the lovely coordinators of the group. I can not wait until next month and the month after that.

If you have Bipolar and would like to know more about the support group by visiting the Bipolar website http://www.bipolaruk.org/. You can email the group on info@bipolaruk.org or telephone them on 0333 323 3880.

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Empty Prams

I was on the bus the other day when a lady came on the bus with her daughter in the pram. She them proceeded to take her daughter out of the pram and they went and sat at the back of the bus. At the next stop two mothers came on with their children in their pram’sand parked next to the empty pram.

We got chatting and I was happy to know that they also hate it when parents use up space on a bus with empty pram’s. I asked the ladies if I could take a picture of their children with the empty pram for my blog. They kindly said yes.

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I then got on another bus and the first thing I saw was an empty pram.

It really drives me mad when parents use up space on buses with empty pram’s. Using up space makes it harder for those who need a space. Bus drivers do not get out of their seats to check whether or not a child is in a pram they just look back, which means if someone with a pram or even a wheel chair can not get on the bus.

I remember when Ethan was in a pram if he was out of the pram when we got on the bus. I folded up the pram and stored it away which meant another parent could get on the bus.I wish some parents could be a little more considerate.

 

 

SUPRISED

Yesterday was a busy day and when I finally got home Stephen our community Pastor visited me and he took clothes to the charity shop that we could not use or pass on.

Ethan was on his Xbox playing some game or anything and he was getting really annoyed and frustrated because he kept losing connection. He burst into the lounge muttering something or another and when he left I sat on the little table, looked out the window and lit up a cigarette. He came back into the lounge and asked what I was doing so I said ” getting some peace”. He then went back into the lounge.

I could not take it anymore so I got on my mobility scooter and told him I was off to Tesco’s to buy some toilet roll.  When I got to the door Ethan was emotionally and it sounds stupid but I really felt bad for him because there was nothing I could do.

The air on my face was revitalising, the freshness woke me up and on my way I prayed that Ethan would fine some peace and that his Xbox would work and that he could finish off the heist he had been trying to complete with his friends. I drove slow and steady as I was I no rush to get home.

I got to Tesco’s and met my friend Jules just by chance we went for a cuppa at costa. It had been ages since we had seen each other and it was good to catch up. After our cuppa I proceeded to do some shopping just a small shop for essentials such as toilet roll.

On the way home I saw Mr Cods and thought that we both needed something to cheer us up so I brought some tasty burger and chips for me and dippers and chips for Ethan. Now I know what you could be thing right now. Ethan does not deserve a treat. I should not be eating burger and chips. I am fat enough already.

Maybe I just needed cheering up.

What comes up next melted my heart. When I eventually got home around 8.00p.m Ethan opened the door and he said how silly he felt for getting upset. over his game.  That it was not that important and that I was more important and the most important thing he said was “I’m sorry”. At that one moment I knew God listened to me and eased Ethan’s pain.

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To many this may sound totally stupid but for me I understand. Ethan’s best friend Tom has been busy this week and Ethan does not go out with his friends or behave in a manner which is not appropriate. Ethan does not swear, steal, drink, smoke, lie or display bad behaviour. As a teenager he has his little mood swings and stomps around just like any other teenager. He does spend hours on his Xbox but then again he can spend hours reading his books or watching the television with me. He also helps with the housework and cares for me too.

To be honest I am quite fortunate to have my son and I am really proud of him just like any other mother.  We tell each other every day how much we love each other every day.

 

 

Hate my thoughts

I can not believe my 13 year old son Ethan!!

I have been asking him for the last week to tidy his room. Which as you can gather he has not done IT!

He was suppose to come out to give out the Easter eggs to the homeless yesterday and was far too irksome to do IT!!

He was suppose to go to Tom’s house and give him and his brother Josh their eggs and guess what, he did not DO IT!!!

He was suppose to feed the cats and guess what, he did NOT DO IT!!!!

He is driving me insane I would not mind but I am tired and feeling very low after yesterday which always happens to me.

With my mental illnesses every time I have something good to do or happen the next day the come down is depressing sometimes to the point of me questioning my existence and whether Ethan would be better off with a mother who does not have disabilities and mental health problems and maybe a man in his life to show him the male ropes. I think of my death and Ethan would be wearing and what the funeral would be and if everyone would actually wear my favourite colour orange. Would their be chip butties at my wake and would everyone follow my wishes. What my coffin would look like anyway you know the rest. Then  I snap out of it have a cry and try and get back on the saddle.

It does not matter what type of good day or days I have, the come down is nearly always the same. It is not just the mental side that effects me  its the physical aspect too. For me to do what I do, I have to take more than my dosage of painkillers prescribed and I must not forget my trusted friend my bottle of lucozade original. I only need a small bottle as I get such a burst of energy I could take on the world. Anyway  the next day the pain is debilitating and even more depressing.

I think of all the people in my life and how I am so unlovable, all the bad things I have done in my life and my life will never be filled with the love of a man, Sometimes I question whether or not my son actually loves me. Also the damage my disabilities and mental illness effect him.

OMGOSH I am so hard on him. It’s not as if he is even horrible or acting like a typical teenager or swearing or drinking smoking or any of the other terrible things he could be doing.

He is such a good boy really. 534669_10150995813810750_962512969_n

We have just had our Easter dinner and I made sticky chicken because Ethan hates lamb. He thanked me for the dinner and he said Grace too.

The reality is Ethan is amazing it is just me that is the crazy one in this household.

 

I

 

 

Mothering Sunday

Yesterday was a hard day for some of us. Many of us will have lost a mother. Some mothers have been good to us and some mothers have been bad to us.

This was my second Mother’s Day without my mum. I always do my hardest to forget but it never works. Towards the end of the day I think of her and shed a tear. It is really hard to deal with. When she was alive we had the worst relationship down to us both but mainly me. I hold my hands up to being the worst daughter you could think of. Before I was born I gave my mum grief so no wonder we didn’t get on. I spent most of my life hating her and not loving her because she didn’t love me. Neither of us forgave each other until it was too late. She had a stroke the day before her 69th birthday and she never recovered. She spent her last years on God’s green earth paralysed. Not able to speak properly, walk or eat her favourite foods.

When I was 44 years old my mum put her hand on face so lovingly, so tenderly and gently. The most important part of that transaction was, in that one moment she told me she forgave me, was sorry  and she knew I was right. When I got home, back to Reading all I could think of was 44 years too late. As time passed I forgave her and told her I was sorry too.

Now she has gone and as a Christian I pray she is with God so that one day I will see her again and tell her I love her.

The relation between my son and I is so different I love him so much and I know he loves me even though he does not tell me as often as he use to. My son has three mothers me, Therese who is mum number two and Danielle who is mum number three. He has a huge family that love him and a Church family and a family of friends too. My son was lucky enough to know his grandmother and he loved her so much and she adored him.

It is now too late for me to say Happy Mother’s Day to my mum but at least I can tell my son I love him every day.