MYTHS (just a few)
1 People who talk about suicide are not serious about it and wont go through it. People who kill themselves often talk about suicide. They have talked about their life being worthless and not being here.
2 Once someone has tried to commit suicide they rarely try again. People who have tried to end their lives before are significantly more likely to eventually die by suicide than the rest of the population.
3 Talking about suicide makes people think about it and carry it out. Suicide is a taboo topic to chat about. People who are suicidal don’t like to worry people about their feelings. Helping people talk about suicide helps them to think about other ways to cope and talk.
4 Suicides mainly happen in the winter. There is a rise in suicidal deaths in the spring.
This has been a very tough few days. Wednesdays group just made me feel worse knowing that I am at high risk with all the facts and figures being spread on the wall. I do believe the this topic does need more work and research and funding. Their is a whole new world out there and each year life gets harder and harder. I keep thinking to myself maybe tomorrow I will be normal and then the next night I say to myself maybe tomorrow life will get easier, always hoping. Not every night but most nights I hope and pray.
One good thing about research is that men of a certain age are getting help and their is support out their for them. Also with new research comes new reports which go out to their various locations and you hope that the receiver will read them and say I need to do something to help. I know I am naïve and I think that people think like me and want to make this world a better place and protect the children, the elderly and the vulnerable. Don’t get me wrong I didn’t always think this way however I have always wanted to better the community but I was not this passionate. As I have got older even though my inner thoughts may have shifted a little the need to help people and keep them alive is a thirst that is all consuming and when I cant help it makes me upset and annoyed.
Anyway back to the topic SUICIDE I have attempted to take my life from an early age. I still remember my first time. I waited for no one to be in the Kitchen and I got the stool and climbed to get to the shelf and I took the bottle of aspirin, in their white bottle and I thought I want to die and how much I hated how I was and my life. This will most probably come as a shock to my sisters. I too the bottle of aspirin one at a time at first with water and then a handful and just waited to die. I am not sure how much time later but I woke up and threw up then ran downstairs and puked up in the kitchen sink to my mums horror, as she was cooking. Anyway to cut it short I got the biggest telling off. Both my mum and dad shouting at me reminding me how stupid I was. I was 7 when I tried the first time and the 7th time I was 25. Anyway by the time I realised I was in Fairmile because I was a danger to myself I also realised I was still alive.
That was tough being locked in a room and having to be good to get to go out of my room then the ward and then off site. I felt a peace surround me but it was not real it was the meds they were giving me. Fairmile helped me realised that I should stop as God doesn’t want me dead yet otherwise I would of been with him. So I decided no more attempts and I needed therapy again but intense as I couldn’t live like this anymore. Bombarded with memories, thoughts, voices, smells and fear. It has not been an easy journey but anything worth having does not come easy. Life is not easy, being a single mum is not easy. Being Kinder is not easy, being in this body is not easy and it goes on and on.
Whilst I was having my 1st bout of intensive psychotherapy at Fairmile I made the choice to have 18 months 9-3.30pm five days a week. Boy oh boy that was a rough ride and the demons that appeared and I had to cope with the support of the other members called support. That was not easy. It took me months to ask for support but it took me weeks to want to give support. Whilst there I realised and learned about the aftermath of suicide. The destruction it leaves behind. The shattered pieces of those left behind to struggle to understand and cope with their loved ones suicide. That’s when I decided I would never try again for real and I haven’t which is an achievement. The achievement is having the thoughts of wanting to die and laughing in its face, well more like crying myself to sleep sometimes and at other times, working through the thoughts and turning those demon words into positive ones. I don’t think people really know what is going on in loved ones heads and the demon thoughts they have. Always fighting to live and slaying memories and the demons within.
People never know what is really going on with me and sometimes I do not know what is going on with me, so how can I expect others to know how to help me when I am trying to figure out which therapeutic technique to use which will keep me going. The nights are the worst for me and not sleeping is not good either. The inner fights wounding my soul and I know I have God but why do I still struggle with my life and the pain I had to endure.
I have a wonderful son and he is my world but the truth is sometimes its hard to actually feel. Deep within the core of my being to think he loves me and wants me around. He is at an age where the thought of him needing me feels empty. But I know I would never want him to deal with the aftermath of my suicide. He keeps me alive and without him I know I would be dead in the gutter a long time ago. I spent a lot of my life on a destructive path of hatred for myself and how absolutely evil I was and on the flip side helping fundraise for some cause or another
Who I am now is because of the journey I had to walk on my own not knowing God was with me at my darkest hours and I had a lot of them in my life, too many to count and the tears still have not stopping flowing. Some tears of pain, some of hurt, some of loneliness, some of joy, some for the boy who stands before me and is truly a gift from God. I cry now for many reasons and I fight now to stay alive for my son. God gave me Ethan to live and through the him I have a love so rare that I do not understand parents that don’t love their children and hurt them in the ways that evil has a hold on them.
Life is so important and a gift and it is also a stoney road to walk alone so I grab at anything I can and doing good helps, but the feeling of helping doesn’t last and then I feel the urge to help again and again.