Yesterday my therapy finished and it was cut short because of cuts to the mental health system. I do feel cheated just as I feel safe the carpet is whipped from under my feet. The last 24 hours I have felt very low and spent today sleeping which is easier than having to deal with the feeling of loss. Not just for my therapy finishing but for the loss of my bro my mum and my Bessie.
The next month or two will be hard and I know I can get through it as I already have but that does not help me in any way shape or form. Everyday I think of them at peace no pain no depression no drugs no police no heartache in theirs live. At peace from the rest of the world that didn’t see them for the people their really were, apart from my mum. Everyone loved her and I know my pain is just as much as my families. My sisters deal with their grief in their own way. I however normally self destruct in one way or another.
I do not just have one way to feel the pain with in me from self harming to over spending, from not eating to sleeping. I do not find it easy to say how I feel and I was just beginning to bring a dark part of me to life. The last session was painful like having my soul being opened with a jagged rusty old razor blade. Having someone know what is inside and how I work when I don’t know half the time what is going on with my inner workings. The depth of this one person knowledge was creepy, scary, violated, exposed and deadly. I stayed with it as I knew it was for the best. I could feel the aching and the odd tear rolled down my check. I sat there and took every thing they said because it was true.
They knew me
They felt my pain
They could explain what I could not.
And the worst part but good part too was they were a man.
I would never of thought a man could understand me, and here he was.
I stayed with it and I gulped the new insights slowly. We ended the group saying nice insights to each other and Yes I actually did say something nice to our therapist the man who I spent the last 5 months fighting with and showing him just how much anger was in the room that was not expressed.
I went back to therapy to work on my issues with men. Anyone who knows me, knows how I fight to let every man know just how much they are not worth my attention. How I don’t let any man get to know me. That no one man is good enough for the love that I have within me. I can not go on like this. It is when my very good friend told me that she didn’t want to go out with me simply because I scare men away even the men that take an interest in my friends.
It has been 15 years since I had a relationship and I am to blame because the list for the right man is way too high and no living man can take that place. I know now that I can find someone when I am ready but I know it is not now or the near future.
I know that the softer side of me needs to be shown more to my friends and my loved ones. I really do love my sisters and admire them. They have beautiful girls and they have bought them up the best way they can and it shows because all my nieces are beautiful inside and out with hearts of pure white. My family who I fought all the way never felt a part of. Looking on the outside inwards. The majority of my life I have been on the outside apart from when I was doing drugs and drinking alcohol like I was in the desert which was a waste as I never got drunk.
When I look back on my life what will people say about me. I think a lot about it, my ending, my life and my funeral. What will people actually say? I know what I would say but it would not be nice. I am my harshest critic but are we not all like that. I know what I want my funeral to be like I have thought about it often lately. Endings are never good but today this ending is the new beginning I think I see a future I just need to reach out.