I have been in therapy since last April and tomorrow is the last session because our therapist is leaving. No I am pretty hacked off about it as I was under the impression that this would be a long therapy session lasting well over two years. After 5/6 months we were told in group that he (therapist) will be leaving and will let us know more in the new year. So in comes the new year and he says he is leaving and that there is not going to be a replacement. Well I did not take the news well and I used every opportunity to let him know how utterly f@@king pi@@ed off I was and I took great pleasure in voicing my anger towards what was happening. I didn’t sign up for half a therapy healing.
As the others felt it hard to show there unhappiness with the situation I took it upon myself to vent everyone’s anger until they could tell or show their feelings. I must admit it took peeps awhile. So I was happy in my role. Anyway its our last day and I have been scratching my arm and its a mess but it helps me especially in group. Me being a daft nut that I can be has decided some how that I should open up and the last few weeks a part of the little girl opened her hand and I am finding it hard to show her some peace when I have this burdening guilt trapped within me. No amount of logic can ease the burden. For me I struggle so much and who am I going to tell. How can I explain the guilt I feel for something I could not of changed, for people I don’t know who suffered, for women suffering a mental health disability or for even those that I do not know committed suicide.
How can I make people see the burden I feel, the un trust I feel or the lost girl just wanting a hug. I want compassion but why should I ask someone to show me compassion when I do not show myself compassion. I know all the logic, I know all the pros and cons and I know that I could only do what I did but it does not make it any better just worse.
Ethan has noticed my depression. He does not miss a trick. I spent all his life hiding my mental health and depression but all he sees at the moment is a mum who sleeps too much is picking or scratching my arms and not eating. Not cooking but buying takeaways. I know I have to stop and maybe after tomorrow I will sort my head out but then again I am stuck with BPD/BP. It wont go away and its not under control.
My paranoia has not settled and is doing somersaults in the quiet space which is my mind. The ripping up of conversations trying to find the hidden meaning which is not there, however my head says otherwise. Using all my energy to be normal is very exhausting and I am so tired of it all. Its like I am done and dusted, there is nothing more I can do. I have done all I need to but then I look at Ethan and he melts my icy black heart. He is my purpose for living, but I can not keep using him as an excuse for living, I know I need to get a life and someone I can love and who accepts me for me and my faults. I need to get a life basically.
I started this period of therapy with one goal and that was to talk about my issues with men. Any one who knows me knows why I have an issue with them. Not just that but about why I push any perspective love away. I do not even give them a chance to say hello. I just say something mean and walk away. So I jeopardise any kind of relationship before it gets started. I do not want to be the cat lady that lives by the cemetery until they roll me out into it. I want to laugh be held or hold someone. I want to go out for meals and to the cinema or the theatre. I want to walk on the grass bare foot. I want to be like my friends.
I want to be loved