Today was not bad it started off well. I got up and started to do some housework and laundry. Had some Frosties for breakfast and finally did the washing up. If it was not for Ethan nagging me all weekend I would have spent the day in bed. I can see the sun bursting through which normally makes me happy but not today. Life seems pointless but someone has to do the washing. Last week, some of my thoughts would have got me sectioned a few years ago but in this day and age you just have to deal with it. It does not matter what the end result is as no one cares. Everyone thinks just because I have spent most of my life having therapy that I should be able to use the tools I have learned and put them into action. However it does not work like that. My downers are more frequent and last longer and my ability to the find the correct tool in the labyrinth of scattyness that is my mind is impossible. My memory is not what it use to be, I find it difficult to remember my own name let alone which therapeutic tool I should use when I feel suicidal or when my life feels useless, pointless or void.
When do I start to live my life instead just exist. When will I be able to really let someone see my vulnerable side where I crumble into a pit of thorny ice with no heat in sight. Existing is not living , singularity is not living, sleeping is not living but that is what I do. Day in day out, hour by hour my life is slipping away and funneling down the animated storybook of which is my life. I was born in Taplow and I will die in England…… somewhere…….no where……..any time……..no time…….
The problem with having Borderline Personality Disorder and Bi Polar is no one, not even me, can prepare you for the downers. When I am manic some friends know when I am having a hyper turn and accommodate my situation and they do not make a big issue about it. However when I am on a downer no one is around, no one is available for me to just be with them. But it is awkward for people to be around me, lets face it even I don’t want to be in the vicinity of my black loathing despair. The void stabs my thoughts and re arranges my life but not for the better. At present I know I am in a dark place and my faith is still strong but it is a fight daily to find the minute glimmer of light. I feel God has left the building and has put the for sale sign on the door.
My head is a jumble of thoughts and my thoughts are of no real consequence to anyone accept me. My entire life is a string of disasters from the day I drew my first breath until they burn my body for it to flow in the waters of despair. Ever flowing and crashing into the waves before I settle on the bottom of the ocean.
How do I feel now after writing this blog. I feel a mess like my brain is about to explode. the irratation is exploding through my viens and a steady heart beat is doing its best to flourish in a dark dark world.