The other day my son said I had no life and I needed someone to love me, Boy was he right.
I have been single since I left my son’s father when I was 3 months pregnant. A choice I made to protect myself and my son. At the time he was making my life unbearable. I had then and are still now good friends who helped me get through that period in my life, but nearly 15 years on I am single and the one month guy I went out with when my son was 5 does not count as a relationship.
My son has been happy for me to meet someone for 4/5 years now however I do not think I will ever be ready to trust anyone. Not just because of my past but because I do not have anything to offer. I don’t think I can love anyone or them love me.
I have been on my own for so long now I don’t think I really understood the depth of my uncontrollable desire to be un loved. To prove to myself everyday that I am un loveable. It is safer this way to protect not just myself from the haunting status of being in a relationship but to undeniably beat my happiness down into void of bleakness and loneliness.
I have set my standards so high that there is not a man that can match them, that way I cant be hurt. I do not want much but what I want I can not have. Not everyone in life is meant to be in a relationship, in love, in partnership or not alone.
All I want is :
A Man’s Man to protect me.
A Gentle Man to caress me.
A Strong Man to batter my demons.
A Brave Man to stand up for me.
A Tall Man to shower me.
A Tender Man to hold me.
A Confident Man to witness my tears.
A Distinguished Man to carry my fears.
A Powerful Man to take my pain.
A Funny Man to stop me from being me.
Its not a long list its just a unreachable list.
Lonely is what I am
Alone is who I am
On my Own is where I am.