I have a new dislike for Mondays as its therapy day with Dennis. As usual the anxiety was intense and the heaviness of each step towards my final destination was crippling. I could hear each breath I took and the thumping of my heart beat. I stood outside the building having a cigarette taking each puff as if it was my last.
I knew logically that everything was going to be okay it’s not like it was going to kill me just turn my world upside down again. I took a hold of myself and did the talk. You know the one.
Its only therapy!
You made the decision so take the consequences!
You don’t have to say a word just stay in the room!
Like an idiot I decided to talk straight away first the my blood work was fine no abnormalities. Then I opened my mouth quoting what was expected in the group. Talk about the relationships with the other members of the group and especially the therapist. This was my moment to go nuclear on Dennis. My loathing and distaste for men, my disappointment in how a man is beneath me and how I have spent my life trusting in no man because they only hurt you and destroy your trust and belief in them. I opened the can and now I was watched each worm slither into the middle of the room right in front of my face.
Oh No what had I done! What did I say. It was out in the open to talk about relationships. That is the one thing I didn’t want to talk about. Well I did it now and I had to take the bullet by the mouth and swallow.
WAIT FOR IT
What an amazing group I was free. I talked about how I was working on my relationships with my family and how much I want to be with them and also be a family. I talked about arranging family get togethers and how My mum’s 2nd anniversary of her death we celebrated as a family and the day was prefect nearly. My Nephew Paul was unable to make it and neither could My niece Nina but that was because she was half way around the world being a mum and a wife and having the life and living it, also my middle sister Simbi and her two daughters were not able to make it either. Several times that day I just stopped and watched. The laughter the memories will stay with me forever.
I talked about Ethan and how amazing he was and how I knew when he got older he would not need to rely on a woman to cook clean and care for him. He would be able to live without needed anyone. I hoped that i bought him up knowing his own strength and also talked about how different he was from me and that i didn’t want to become like me.
Then I talked about how i came back to therapy to work on my issues with mn and how i had spent the last 15 years on my own and how my issues had robbed Ethan of a dad a father a confidant. Someone to help him with this part of his growth shaving teenager issues. All the things a boy needs a father for. I also talked about how I did not want to stay the way i was and that i needed to change.
We talked about Piaroo’s Wish and how the people I helped needed more than I could give. How i was failing them. Also about i didn’t want to taint Ethan with any of my issues to do with his dad and that Ethan had come to the decision on his own about not wanting to see him.
The group was a whirlwind of topics. as a group we came together for the first time in a long time. We talked about my friends and how one of my friends did not want to go out with me because anytime we went out and any man would approach them I was like a bulldog seething at the mouth telling them to back off. We talked about how angry i was about my life and what i had become and how much I needed and wanted to change. I had a couple of wow moments which i need to digest and vomit back up.
Now that is not the reason for this post. When I finally arrived home Ethan opened the door wearing his uniform and he asked whether I noticed anything. I looked down and he had swept the hallway and as I took each step I could see he had totally rearranged the lounge. He had put up the three canvases I had and hung them up, moved the 3 seater sofa and swept the lounge. Cleaned the kitchen surfaces aswell as cleared the table. Basically he had a major clean up. I could not believe my eyes.
I started to cry as he apologied for being so grumpy with me. Then we spoke for an hour or should I say he opened up to me and I just could not of been prouder of him. We sat of the sofa and snuggled for a while afterwards and I felt so moved by his convesations and his bold truthfullness.
Now I know what your thinking why such a small paragraph on the topic that actually moved me.
Simply because its personally private.