It’s late and as usual I am struggling to sleep. After such an amazing day yesterday I woke up this morning very tired but still buzzing. The sun was shining and I actually went out without a coat. The last few weeks I have been feeling quite dizzy and had a few panic attacks when I was not in a place of danger. The other day I was in Lidl and I was ready to pass out. Luckily I didn’t and that was thanks to a lady who asked if I was okay and that was when I realised I had to get out.
Anyway back to my point I received a phone called at 2.30 and was expected the person to call back which they didn’t and I knew it was really important. I was given some information and it was troubling and ever since I have been stressed and very teary.
I don’t know what’s up with me lately I can cry at the smallest of things but this is huge, or should I say this could be huge. Back to my point. I feel so blinking scared and lonely, worrying about everything. Will Ethan grow up to be all that can be and not waste his life. Will he get married or be a relationship destroyer like his mother. Will he laugh everyday and thank God for his existence and pray to him. Will my funeral wishes be carried out the way i want it or will it be something I would not like. |If I died tomorrow will Ethan and Lilly and Sam be kept together no matter what. Will Ethan still go to Blessed Hugh Farringdon. Will Ethan have to move away from his home. Will he need therapy because of me. the list goes on and on like a Duracell battery. The bunny keeps hopping and with every hop come a new thought and worry.
It is 1am and the thought of closing my eyes fills me with dread and fear. If I fall into a gentle slumber will I wake up to a bleak endless fear or a shimmering glitter ball. Will my brain allow me to have a few minuets serenity. Will the anxiety cease and my panic fall into a child hand and smooth away the mundane terrors.
Will tomorrow be the day I find someone who can accept me and all my demons. Will the leaves rise up from the wet ground and consume the thirst that is my inner child.
Everything is incomplete
Every sound trembles my inner core
Every thought shudders my head
The worst part of all of this is you can tell anyone if you actually spoke the words a bolt of disgust would thrash my soul.
The day is kind of easy to cope with. I can keep myself either busy or sleeping. Its stupid it is times like this I wish my mom was here and the extra stupid thing is me and my mom never talked. So what would I say to her apart from zilch and still be angry with her because of my yucky past. She died on the 3rd of April 2014 which if you can count is a couple of days away and I can not wait to see my family now. Its never to late to make amends with family and friends.
As I always say the only time it is too late is when your DEAD and on that note I will try and get some sleep.