Hate my thoughts

I can not believe my 13 year old son Ethan!!

I have been asking him for the last week to tidy his room. Which as you can gather he has not done IT!

He was suppose to come out to give out the Easter eggs to the homeless yesterday and was far too irksome to do IT!!

He was suppose to go to Tom’s house and give him and his brother Josh their eggs and guess what, he did not DO IT!!!

He was suppose to feed the cats and guess what, he did NOT DO IT!!!!

He is driving me insane I would not mind but I am tired and feeling very low after yesterday which always happens to me.

With my mental illnesses every time I have something good to do or happen the next day the come down is depressing sometimes to the point of me questioning my existence and whether Ethan would be better off with a mother who does not have disabilities and mental health problems and maybe a man in his life to show him the male ropes. I think of my death and Ethan would be wearing and what the funeral would be and if everyone would actually wear my favourite colour orange. Would their be chip butties at my wake and would everyone follow my wishes. What my coffin would look like anyway you know the rest. Then  I snap out of it have a cry and try and get back on the saddle.

It does not matter what type of good day or days I have, the come down is nearly always the same. It is not just the mental side that effects me  its the physical aspect too. For me to do what I do, I have to take more than my dosage of painkillers prescribed and I must not forget my trusted friend my bottle of lucozade original. I only need a small bottle as I get such a burst of energy I could take on the world. Anyway  the next day the pain is debilitating and even more depressing.

I think of all the people in my life and how I am so unlovable, all the bad things I have done in my life and my life will never be filled with the love of a man, Sometimes I question whether or not my son actually loves me. Also the damage my disabilities and mental illness effect him.

OMGOSH I am so hard on him. It’s not as if he is even horrible or acting like a typical teenager or swearing or drinking smoking or any of the other terrible things he could be doing.

He is such a good boy really. 534669_10150995813810750_962512969_n

We have just had our Easter dinner and I made sticky chicken because Ethan hates lamb. He thanked me for the dinner and he said Grace too.

The reality is Ethan is amazing it is just me that is the crazy one in this household.

 

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2 thoughts on “Hate my thoughts

  1. womanmeblog

    Hey… calm, i know this bad days, i know the thoughts about dying, i know how you feel everybody would be better off without you. Talk with your terapist about it…even if you have to ask for help for something to help you more extreme…just don t go down with thoses thoughts, i swear to you i know how that feels, i have them everyday too. Just don t go anywhere. Ethan needs you, and one day you ll be ok and see everything is worth it. So hang in here. There s always some love for us in the world, it will come for sure. Don t lose hope. I m here sending Strenght and a hug. Sophie

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  2. CatNAP555 Post author

    Thank you Sophie I am lucky I am in therapy right now and because of all the therapy I have had in my there is no way I would act on my thoughts. There never last long and I can snap out of it eventually. I love my son too much to put him through the reality of my thoughts. It is just good now that I have somewhere I can let them all out without being judged.
    Thank you for listening and even better understanding Sophie.

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