I can not believe my 13 year old son Ethan!!
I have been asking him for the last week to tidy his room. Which as you can gather he has not done IT!
He was suppose to come out to give out the Easter eggs to the homeless yesterday and was far too irksome to do IT!!
He was suppose to go to Tom’s house and give him and his brother Josh their eggs and guess what, he did not DO IT!!!
He was suppose to feed the cats and guess what, he did NOT DO IT!!!!
He is driving me insane I would not mind but I am tired and feeling very low after yesterday which always happens to me.
With my mental illnesses every time I have something good to do or happen the next day the come down is depressing sometimes to the point of me questioning my existence and whether Ethan would be better off with a mother who does not have disabilities and mental health problems and maybe a man in his life to show him the male ropes. I think of my death and Ethan would be wearing and what the funeral would be and if everyone would actually wear my favourite colour orange. Would their be chip butties at my wake and would everyone follow my wishes. What my coffin would look like anyway you know the rest. Then I snap out of it have a cry and try and get back on the saddle.
It does not matter what type of good day or days I have, the come down is nearly always the same. It is not just the mental side that effects me its the physical aspect too. For me to do what I do, I have to take more than my dosage of painkillers prescribed and I must not forget my trusted friend my bottle of lucozade original. I only need a small bottle as I get such a burst of energy I could take on the world. Anyway the next day the pain is debilitating and even more depressing.
I think of all the people in my life and how I am so unlovable, all the bad things I have done in my life and my life will never be filled with the love of a man, Sometimes I question whether or not my son actually loves me. Also the damage my disabilities and mental illness effect him.
OMGOSH I am so hard on him. It’s not as if he is even horrible or acting like a typical teenager or swearing or drinking smoking or any of the other terrible things he could be doing.
He is such a good boy really.
We have just had our Easter dinner and I made sticky chicken because Ethan hates lamb. He thanked me for the dinner and he said Grace too.
The reality is Ethan is amazing it is just me that is the crazy one in this household.