Nightly Thoughts

 

 

Every evening once my son has gone to sleep I am left with my thoughts and I wonder why is it that I do not feel normal. I know I feel normal during the day. it may sound stupid but during the day I have a purpose, I am a mother, I am a volunteer editor for Dee Park News, I am not alone.

STOP THERE!!!

I am alone just a different type of alone.

At night I sometimes think what is the point? Why carry on? Do I have a purpose? Has God got a better plan for me or is this it?

I think about all the badness in the world and how I can fight everyone and everything to make life better for other people but I can do that for myself. O have the same thoughts especially on a Sunday Night. The eve before my group therapy session. My anxiety is always worse on a Monday, with minor attacks and the thought of having to spend time in the cold building on Erleigh Road. I can see myself walking slowly not wanting to go and having to force each footstep. With every step I remember the conversations in my head. The subject matter and my anger and frustrations.

I want to kick and stomp and shout and yell and scream and hurt.

I hold so much anger inside and the new memories that have come back have been so confusing for me. I can not comprehend that I have held so many wonderful memories buried in my head. I am glad that they are coming back makes me happy but confused.

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The quietness of night has never been good for me. I have never been a friend to the darkness but the stars have lit the path that I had taken to get me to where I am now. This earth is awash with darkness and evil. It is times like this I remember that God is by my side and got me through the worst and best of times. I believe that therapy will do me good but FIRST I need to accept my past to move forward to a life where I know that I deserve to be loved.

I have to BELIEVE that I am loveable inside and out. I NEED to be the light in the darkness so I can see where I am going.

I have to find my smile again!!!

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One thought on “Nightly Thoughts

  1. womanmeblog

    Oh my god… its like you are literally inside my head. its like you are using ALL the WORDS that are in my tongue to describe how i m feeling… never felt that soebody else in the world would actually feel this way too..
    Thank you so much for sharing this words… at least you made me feel i m not alone… thank you 😥

    Like

    Reply

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