Every evening once my son has gone to sleep I am left with my thoughts and I wonder why is it that I do not feel normal. I know I feel normal during the day. it may sound stupid but during the day I have a purpose, I am a mother, I am a volunteer editor for Dee Park News, I am not alone.
I am alone just a different type of alone.
At night I sometimes think what is the point? Why carry on? Do I have a purpose? Has God got a better plan for me or is this it?
I think about all the badness in the world and how I can fight everyone and everything to make life better for other people but I can do that for myself. O have the same thoughts especially on a Sunday Night. The eve before my group therapy session. My anxiety is always worse on a Monday, with minor attacks and the thought of having to spend time in the cold building on Erleigh Road. I can see myself walking slowly not wanting to go and having to force each footstep. With every step I remember the conversations in my head. The subject matter and my anger and frustrations.
I want to kick and stomp and shout and yell and scream and hurt.
I hold so much anger inside and the new memories that have come back have been so confusing for me. I can not comprehend that I have held so many wonderful memories buried in my head. I am glad that they are coming back makes me happy but confused.
The quietness of night has never been good for me. I have never been a friend to the darkness but the stars have lit the path that I had taken to get me to where I am now. This earth is awash with darkness and evil. It is times like this I remember that God is by my side and got me through the worst and best of times. I believe that therapy will do me good but FIRST I need to accept my past to move forward to a life where I know that I deserve to be loved.
I have to BELIEVE that I am loveable inside and out. I NEED to be the light in the darkness so I can see where I am going.
I have to find my smile again!!!