Everyone knows I have mental health issues/problems, however people want to describe depression, borderline personality disorder or Bipolar. It is very depilating and can cripple me at times. You would think I would have a handle on it but these conditions are unpredictable.
What I do know is I have tools in place which I use daily which I learnt from having intense psychotherapy twice. Apparently I am over therapized. There is nothing they can teach me as I know it all, My consciousness and my unconsciousness which means for every action my head works, needs, unravels, dissects, analysis, break down, pros and cons and glue back together. My head is constantly on the go hence not been sleeping for more than a few hours at a time.
Yesterday I went to my support group and the guest speakers were talking about suicide and the after effects and the heartache of those left behind. My unconsciousness must have known as I missed the first half. Now if I was in a good place I would have found it an eye opener but because I have been in a dark place I found it profoundly heart wrenching. I left the group and went to burger king to get myself in a place to go home and see my wonderful son.
I got home and I spent the evening trying not to cry. What’s the point and then yet again my head is doing its own thing.
Today I woke up after having a few hours undisturbed sleep which was a good feeling. Laura who is a good friend wanted to come over for a cuppa to talk about policies. But she ended up taking me to the doctors for my acupuncture which was painful but needed. Then we went to get her dog who is adorable his name is axle and he lifted my spirits so I could look up and see the light. I wish I was able to take pictures but he is only a puppy of 3 and he only sat still when he was hugging me and comforting me.
Laura treated me to Lunch something I didn’t deserve but she knew I needed a treat. We chatted and laughed and had food. I wont mention much about the food at the Mansion House apart from saying it was delicious. I took my meds and that was it I needed to sleep and i was slurring my words I was so relaxed and at peace I was trusting that my body had shifted.
Anyone she got me home and I went straight to bed. I had a meeting at 5.30 and I woke up with enough time to get dressed and get the bus.
This meeting was glorious in every way and uplifting and God was shining his light on me and letting me know that no matter what I have been through and that I was and am his daughter until he calls me home. I see the hope and possibilities and the future is bright and I know I will be having a manic few days coming along as I feel the splurge of ideas flooding my brain.
The darkness that has plagued me for the last month started when we had to close Piaroo’s Wish Helping the Homeless and Vulnerable in Reading. That was the first nail. then as the days went on and then weeks the more nails penetrated my skin my soul my heart and the pain has been hard to cope with. Knowing I couldn’t do what brought me so much joy and peace knowing I was worth something and that I was needed that my love and my care was being given freely and knowingly to the people who I call my family.
I have many families and the homeless and the vulnerable are another I would love in the future to have all my families in one place. That would be awesome. Anyway my blood family are great now that I am learning to keep my mouth shut and not argue which is me doing the arguing. My friends family are more than friends they are the people like Sonia, Therese, Kelly, Laura, Emma, Mandy, Maz, Kaff, Nemo and many more and yes they are all women. My Christian family who save my soul and brought me to God and he forgave me my sins and boy did God have a lot of sin s to go through and He STILL LOVES ME. My Piaroo’s Wish family who bring the peace and love to me that is heart breaking to know I am unable to do what I Love which is help them feed them listen to them and be there.
I am not one for blogging when the changes occur but its time to let people know the signs for my mania like talking fast, falling and tripping, banging into walls and car doors, having ideas of grandeur, taking on too much and not listen to my body, cluttering my house and not doing a job and seeing it through because I have got side wipe and started doing another job.
Then maybe after a few days I will crash and deflate and the darkness will start to swirl and spread I may not get to that point of uselessness and being not needed which will then take me to my suicidal thoughts. One thing I can say for now is that I wont do anything as I know I couldn’t leave Ethan. I need him he grounds me and he loves me even when he is being a typical Kevin and Perry. Ethan has kept me from taking that step for years and he carries on without knowing how much his love and trust holds me together. Thankfully he doesn’t know how much I need him.
Anyway for now I am loving my life and the light is shining and God is teaching me to take this time to prepare and pave the way forward. Bright amazing things are going to happen. I know I need to pray more and listen to what God is teaching me.