Depths of Bi-Polar Downer

Life has been very hectic lately and it got to a place where I just wanted to give up and pack Piaroo’s Wish Helping the Homeless and Vulnerable in Reading and throw in the towel.

 

I am so lucky to have people by my side who do not judge me and also see that I’m not mental or delusional. Natalie, Niama, Kaff and Kelly have been my rock recently and without them by my side I really would have packed it all in.

Over a month ago I started to slip into my darkness where everything was too much for me and the lack of sleep and paranoia was draining my body of the few bits of colour I had.  I had to concentrate on myself and Ethan but I couldn’t Piaroo’s Wish has taken over my life and its all I think about I stopped going to church coffee morning and stopped going to art club on Tuesday and barely made in on the Monday.

The house which is only a bungalow was bulging and I felt suffocated everywhere I looked there where donations and it was drowning my being into a slump of grey misery. Do not get me wrong I love having and doing Piaroo’s Wish but after 22 months I had a different vision in mind. Life doesn’t go the way you want it to. I wanted to have some huge storage right by me and have the shed up and running full of food parcels and toiletries. I wanted the Queen’s Arms Non Alcoholic Pub up and running and us to be firmly situated all day and be giving the guys some classes and so much more.

I felt a failure and I also felt that I had let my mum down by not achieving my goals. Every morning I woke up a little deeper into my downer and I couldn’t see a way out. Natalie and Kelly were amazing and Nemo held the fort too.

Every Tuesday I use to get so excited not knowing what donations I would receive to help our family but the last month I woke with dread I hated the feeling and I didn’t cry like I would normally but I held it in and now that I can see the glorious opening into my levelness I want to cry.  it is not rational but my mind is not rational either. The life I have led and the things I have done have bought me to this point but having Schuermans Disease, Fibromyalgia, Diabetes type 2, COPD stage 1, Arthritis,  Borderline Personality Disorder, Bi-Polar and kidneys not so great. I have struggled so much in my life and I thought that it was done and dusted but certain times of the year my debilitating depression can cripple me more than my actual illnesses.

I sometimes wonder why I have had the life that I have got and then I think of Ethan and if I hadn’t had the life I had he would not be here. God trusted me with his life to raise a wonderful son. One thing I can say for certain is Ethan is amazing how he has coped with me, I do not know.  I asked him once how his life was and how he dealt with me and he said ” Life is normal to him”.

I know I go off topic which is because my brain is always working and it never wants to just be. I have to analyse everything. My paranoia is the worst that in itself is stiffening and can be so intricate and webbed. I wish I could explain but it is just what is is. MY LIFE.

Last Thursday Kelly and Kaff and I had to go and view somewhere and when stopped and had a drink and I ordered a treble vodka and coke and as I sipped (gulped) it down it felt so smooth, one of my old friends that kept the light going.

I took every drug available during my youth and alcohol was my dear friend. I had no problems giving them all up from weed to heroin (which I only took when I visited slough) so I was not hooked but I understand when people take that first bite of heroin the come down is sickening and excruciating. I could of easily become a slave to the drug but my escape was going home to Reading.

Anway back to Thurday I Kaff took me home and I felt a buzz so idecided to give my zombie make up a go and I felt the rush of creativeness and I cam getting back to my scattyness which means watch out everyone because I am becoming manic which is a great sign.

This last bout od downer has been a long one so taking last weekend off had beena blessing and knowing that I have amazing people to keep me standing when all I want to do is hide makes me feel not alone.

Not just them but everyone who helps in Pairoo’s Wish Helping the Homeless and Vulnerable in Reading makes me feel not alone too. Knowing that people in Reading have the passion to continue when I don’t stirs my soul and feeds my belly especially when I don’t want to eat. I could name everyone but I don’t think I could remember over 2250 people names.

Even when I don’t love myself, the guys still love me which encourages me to continue the work that I started in December 2015. Twenty two months later we are still going and growing. I have so much I want to do and I am learning to delegate which for me is not an easy task. I have brought myself up in my mind and I have led a very lonely life but I know no matter what my mood is, someone has got my back. that feeling is so new to me.

Being the only person I could rely on all my life has made me not bitter but sad, The years I spent not letting anyone help me and thinking I can do it has finally gone. Which for me was a flashpoint. Even at 49 I am still learning to open myself up but still guarding my heart so no one breaks it. I have been so lonely thinking everything is fine when really I was deluding myself. You cant live a life without friends and family and the love that surrounds them. Learning how to love others is a new thing but the love I feel for everyone in Piaroo’s and the guys brighten the path for me to walk.

Even thought the nights are getting longer, colder and grey, my son and Pairoo’s Wish Helping the Homeless and Vulnerable in Reading and my family show me I am not alone.

 

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HOMELESS IN READING

yesterday at our Family picnic for Piaroo’s Wish Helping the Homeless and Vulnerable in Reading, I celebrated my 49th birthday we had so much food and none of it got wasted. We made up 51 bags of toiletries and wish we could of had more donations because at least 10 people didn’t get one Also not everyone took toiletries so I calcite that we had over 65 people come to celebrate my birthday. It was beautiful and I had so many hugs from everyone.

Even though it was my birthday celebration I was still helping and I was taken aside by several people and everything that is said is confidential unless its a self harming issues or mental state issues. Luckily in the 21 months that we have been going I have only needed to ring Prospect Park once.

One of our guys needed some loving compassion. The guy is the most nicest of guys but the like so many has a past. I gave some advice and said what I could see and he got very emotional. It breaks my heart when I hear that his parents didn’t give a damn about him and that they didn’t love him. He said that I was the first person that said he had a loving family in us and that we loved him. I gave him lots of cuddles and reassured him that he was loved by so many and that he was a strong man who overcome so much pain and needs a lot of help. That he is not alone and maybe its time to show people his nice side.

I met Dennis by the river last night, he has only been to our picnics for 3 weeks. I knew instantly that he didn’t to chat (It’s a gift).  He began to talk and I put my arms around him and held him whilst he cried. Breaks my heart knowing someone can go through life and be of an older age and not receive love or understanding. He is now drinking which he wasn’t 3 weeks ago. He like so many had a tough life being ignored unloved uncared for.  I spent over half an hour with him and left him in a better state that I saw him in.

It is very hard for people to understand that we have people on the streets who never drink or take drugs but within a few weeks of being on the streets they turn to alcohol or drugs to deal with the harsh realities of life on the streets. Everyone we help is either homeless or vulnerable and needs LOVE COMPASSION UNDERSTANDING AND HELP.

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Together with Facebook

People are always moaning about Facebook. It always makes me want to have a go or say my peace, but I don’t.

Tonight showed the power of Facebook.

For me reading families, friends or people’s statuses over the last few weeks has restored my faith in human nature. I am a daily face booker and I am glad to say that I am. I love to read what is going on for people. How they feel, knowing they are happy or sad. having a family day out or a holiday. Which does make me feel just a tincey bit jealous, not really.  Ok now I sound like a stalker.

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18 months ago I started Piaroo’s Wish Helping the Homeless and Vulnerable in Reading. I was amazed at the response in help from the people of Reading.  Ove the months are numbers have grown to over 1700 members WOW.

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It shocks me to think that 1700 people in Reading help the homeless and Vulnerable.

The Way Ministry help the homeless and vulnerable in Reading.  The Ark Project help the homeless of Reading. The Churches of Reading help the homeless and vulnerable and needy.  As well as other organisations such as Readifood, Launchpad, St Mungos, CIRDIC, Bridge and so many other schemes running all over Reading.

BUT WHERE IS THE GOVERNMENT IN ALL OF THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???????????????????

Good question and the answer from me is, I do not know.

What I do know is, that, since its conception we have helped untold homeless people in Reading with their needs as well as the vulnerable We have provided and still provide daily help to those who are ready.

That’s what Facebook is about. Coming together as one. Tonight’s ONE LOVE MANCHESTER concert was amazing. The statuses on Facebook for me have been soothing and calming and to know I was not alone in watching the concert at home. People from all different backgrounds, ages, sexes, religions, towns and cities together watching and supporting Manchester as well as London.  Our love and support going out to the victims of these senseless attacks.

I wonder what I would do with Facebook and I Know that Piaroo’s Wish Helping the Homeless and Vulnerable in Reading would not be as good as it is. I know that I would still be helping people but not as much as we actually do.

Links

Piaroo’s Wish Helping the Homeless and Vulnerable in Reading https://www.facebook.com/groups/868812933237102/

The Way Ministry                                                                                        https://www.facebook.com/The-Way-Ministry-Reading-1488460588043125/

The Ark Project                                                   https://www.facebook.com/TheArkProjectReading/?ref=br_rs

 

 

 

Homeless Our Appeal

It amazes me how someone who has nothing actually has everything and how people who have everything actually have nothing. Am I the only person who can see that?

I don’t have much but the love that surrounds me is more than the wealthiest person on Gods green earth.

I am lucky to have a home and a family. Many on the streets have nothing but the clothes they are wearing. Every week we try to do our best to help with food, clothing, toiletries, befriending and signposting, however it is not enough. Every week we also hand out sleeping bags, tents and gorund mats but we never have enough.

It breaks my heart to know that even though we are doing our best that we still have to turn people away because we do not have enough food or toiletries or tents etc. We have a group called Piaroo’s Wish Helping the Homeless and Vulnerable in Reading.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/868812933237102/

 

 

DONT KNOW

I am not sure what to call this post. Its been a hard day and I know what it feels like to lose a brother. Today has been hard losing a friend and a member of the Piaroo’s Wish Helping the Homeless and Vulnerable in Reading. It was heart-breaking to see layna this evening I’m so glad Natalie was with me I do not think I could of seen her on her own. Some family is not the blood in your veins, its about how you interact with people, spend time with them and how you love them.

Helping the homeless is not just something you do its a passion, its a calling for me and it is something I feel I need to do this. Not just because I was homeless or because I am a Christian. It is hard to describe the amazing feeling and fulfilment and bursting with love. Today was kinda that type of day but with sadness in my heart. I know it is a huge struggle for me to not be affected by someone’s death. When I started Piaroo’s Wish, people would say I should not be personally involves but I was like I am already involved because I have been there on the streets.

We make memories and we share hugs, conversations, take pictures and befriend and just listen to our guys. We do food parcels, move people and help them when they find somewhere to live. We laugh, joke, share their moments of delight to sharing their moments of dread. helping them to see that they deserve a good life and happiness is very hard but try everyday to make a difference and sometimes it feels like a up hill struugle but I know its worth it because we see the difference when they are ready to help themselves. The gratitude for sometimes just stopping and saying Hi are you Okay? Do you need anything.  Sometimes that will make the difference between life and DEATH.

Losing a family member is never going to be easy for anyone, but we stick together amd look out and care for those in need. many of the guys all know each other and they do there best to look out for each other but sometimes people are left out.

I know I am rambling on but I don’t know what to write about especially how I am feeling about losing a friend and family member. I personally feel lost, confused, hurt, tearful, tired, exhausted, muggy, confused and just all over the space.

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Picnic for the Homeless

Wow what a day it was yesterday. I was a bit worried that no one would come but it was a success. All the food went. The guys on Piaroo’s Wish Helping the Homeless and Vulnerable in Reading https://www.facebook.com/groups/868812933237102/ did themselves proud. They donated deodorants, cakes, biscuits, water, sandwiches, fruit, Easter nests, men’s and ladies clothing, men’s shoes, socks, toothpaste, toothbrushes, sleeping bags and doggy bags.

I spent the last two nights sorting through the clothing and Michael came round Thursday evening to help with making up the toiletry bags. We made up 53 toiletry bags and 5 doggy bags. All 53 bags went with James, Becky and Sam taking any spare bags we had to those who were not there.

Each bag had an Easter Egg in which was provided by the Thames Valley Vultures and the Reading Rotary Club.   https://www.facebook.com/pg/Berkshire-Egg-Run-211479163216/about/?ref=page_internal

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The weather held out even though we felt the odd teardrop. It is going to take us time to get our numbers back out but we will get there.  It’s as if we have to start all over again whilst we wait for the council. I cant belive that they are taking so long. Why is it that they feel the need to take their time and with each passing week we are not out there helping the guys, the harder it is for the guys to retrust us.

The churches aremeven able to help because of several reasons. You wouldnt think it was so much hard work just to feed people.

This week has been a real buzz for me. I have missed going out and helping, constantly being on my mobile becyase of messages and notifications on Facebook, the worry of whether we would be able to make get all the donations. I do not know why I worry so much but I do and i am always proved wrong i didnt think people were going to come found but they need.